I had my fantasy baseball draft yesterday and I think I drank a beer for each one of the players that I drafted. We have 28 players on our roster! Luckily it was just Miller Lite, so I feel energetic enough to follow up on one of my blogs that got mixed reviews.
Last week a buddy gave me a call to tell me about this guy that got caught having sexual relations with some pigs. Turns out to be just as funny as it is gross. I just do not understand what is wrong with people? I mean I love bacon and ham as much as the next guy, or so I thought.
It was time to feed the pigs, so the farmers wife and daughter went down to the barn. As they got to the door they noticed a pile of clothing laying there on the ground. When they went inside they discovered a guy that lives up the road, buck naked trying to poke the pork! He was shocked when the lady said excuse me, what are you doing? He dove into the pigs crap and mud and started rolling around. He says "looks like you caught me, this mud is really good for the skin." Bad enough this sick dumbass got caught trying to "F" the pigs, now he is rolling around in their shit! It really made me wonder- Why??? Why???
Does'nt anybody in this town raise sheep?
Why do you have to take all your clothing off? Do the animals really need foreplay?
Could'nt you just pull your zipper down? Then if you got caught- you could just say that you were pissing on the animals. That is still bad, but not as bad as cumming on them.
If a human could get a cow or pig pregnant, would the offspring resemble Strode?
I'm going to post a poll- please be honest when answering.
One of your choices will not be none of the above.
Pretend like you have to choose one- somebody is offering you a million bucks or it is life or death, or just ignore the poll and be a jerk!!
Hee Haw, E.H
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Tuesday, March 25, 2008
Sweet Dreams
I just read that scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream. That makes perfect sense to me. I had about 378 dreams last night. They also figured that the average dream is 2 to 3 seconds long.(they must be the wet dreams).
If you dream that you shit yourself when the clock struck 2 am. And you wake up 3 hours later and find one little turd in your boxers. And there is nobody else around to smell it. Is it still just a dream??
Who sang dream weaver?? What is a dream weaver??
Later, E.H
If you dream that you shit yourself when the clock struck 2 am. And you wake up 3 hours later and find one little turd in your boxers. And there is nobody else around to smell it. Is it still just a dream??
Who sang dream weaver?? What is a dream weaver??
Later, E.H
Wednesday, March 19, 2008
Happy Holidays
Happy Belated St.Patricks Day! I hope everybody had a few green beers and got into a fight in honor of the Drunken Irish. I actually drank a few old Lancaster Winter Brews and then I took a green shit.(I really need to start flushing without sneaking a peak!). Then my wife yelled at me for leaving a green skid mark on the toilet bowl. So I guess that would count as a memorable holiday for me.
Tommorrow is the first day of spring. So what! All winter has been sort of spring like. I guess we've finally almost killed the ozonosphere. Maybe my grandchildren can finish the job.
Good Fuckin Friday is two days away. I think every Friday is good! This Friday would even be better if I had off work. Oh well, at least we have off on Sunday. That is a pretty big holiday. I know it is a big deal because I'm going to church with my family. I think it has something to do with Jesus and when he was born again or something. My wife wants me to be born again. I'm not really interested at this time. It is not fair for her to always be putting me up against Jesus! He always seems to be a better person than me, dont matter how hard I try!! Luckily for me, she likes to watch the lifetime for women movies and there is always some deadbeat dad on there beating or cheating on his wife(sometimes with a guy), molesting kids, doing hard drugs, or drinking and gambling her families fortune away. I guess you could say I'm somewhere between the lifetime dad and Jesus. So with that in mind, U all have a Happy Easter and if you get a chance pray for me and Peace on Earth!
Love, E.H
Tommorrow is the first day of spring. So what! All winter has been sort of spring like. I guess we've finally almost killed the ozonosphere. Maybe my grandchildren can finish the job.
Good Fuckin Friday is two days away. I think every Friday is good! This Friday would even be better if I had off work. Oh well, at least we have off on Sunday. That is a pretty big holiday. I know it is a big deal because I'm going to church with my family. I think it has something to do with Jesus and when he was born again or something. My wife wants me to be born again. I'm not really interested at this time. It is not fair for her to always be putting me up against Jesus! He always seems to be a better person than me, dont matter how hard I try!! Luckily for me, she likes to watch the lifetime for women movies and there is always some deadbeat dad on there beating or cheating on his wife(sometimes with a guy), molesting kids, doing hard drugs, or drinking and gambling her families fortune away. I guess you could say I'm somewhere between the lifetime dad and Jesus. So with that in mind, U all have a Happy Easter and if you get a chance pray for me and Peace on Earth!
Love, E.H
Sunday, March 16, 2008
Palm Sunday
Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch and bitch. Why does'nt everybody just shut up and find a remedy or go manipulate their genitals.
Love Always, E.H
Love Always, E.H
Saturday, March 15, 2008
Barnyard Babes
The other day when I told my wife the joke about the farmer having sex with the cow, she informed me that years ago, a hired hand was caught by her 8 year old cousin doing a cow on her uncles farm. I was flabbergasted and intrigued by her story. How could anybody be that horny to have sex with an animal? How old was he? Was he mentally challenged? Did he have a wife? Was he a good worker? What did Bradley say to his mom and dad about what he saw? These were a few of the questions I asked Venda. Her question to me was- Did'nt I already tell you this story? No way, I'm pretty sure I would've remembered it!
Turns out the hired hand must have been a good worker, because he kept his job. One would think that having sexual relations with the livestock would be grounds for immediate termination. The farmers around here are very forgiving, Christian like people. It is unfortunate, because a few months later the same guy was caught having oral sex with a cow. The thought of that really blew me away! Would'nt you be afraid of the cow biting your dick off? How would you explain that one to your doctor? At this point of the story, my mind started working overtime. Oral, Anul, or good old fashion barnyard sex all sounds very sick and disturbing. At the same time I could'nt help but to wonder if it is really that bad. It is not like it is the crime of the century.
I guess if you are married and your spouse were to catch you butt slammin Betsy the best milker, then you could be in big trouble. You might say that she is partially to blame. If she were to give you a second chance, she might want to step up her game a bit in the bedroom. I'm thinking she may not even tell anybody about it because of it being a little embarrassing. If you're single however- is it really that big of a deal? I tried to think of who would be getting hurt. Surely it does not bother the cow. All the cow does is Sleep, eat, crap, and get milked 2-3 times a day. After having sex with a steer, the cow probably does'nt even feel anything. As long as the other cows do not make fun of you, it is probably pretty amusing to her. Weighing 500 pounds, if the cow did not like it, she would just have to take a few steps away from the guy. It is not like he would be strong enough to pull her back into him so that he can blow his load onto that beautiful tail. Now that I'm thinking about how the cow feels about being romanced, it does not sound that bad. I still do not understand how animal sex could get anybody excited? But there are a lot of things I do not understand.
I was quickly flipping through the bible, trying to find a section on beastiality. Of course I could not find anything. I'm thinking that God does not condone having sex with animals. Then again I'm not sure? When Jesus went to talk to Noah about building the arc, I'm sure if Noah was butt slammin a goat, our bible history would be different. Maybe I'm putting way to much thought into this topic. I'm just very interested in the subject, if I ever would try to write a book. I think that I would enjoy writing about barnyard sex. As sick as it might sound, it would be a good read that would be fun to research.
I would like to finish by apologizing to the chickens, sheep, pigs, and horses. I'm sure they all have nice asses and pussies too. It is just that I have the cow story in my head, so that is why the cow got most of the attention in this blog. No hard feelings!!
Almost forgot- When cousin Bradley went to his mom and dad to inform them of what he saw. He told them that somebody might want to re-train George on how to milk the cows. He is doing it all wrong. (True Story)
Love, Eric
Turns out the hired hand must have been a good worker, because he kept his job. One would think that having sexual relations with the livestock would be grounds for immediate termination. The farmers around here are very forgiving, Christian like people. It is unfortunate, because a few months later the same guy was caught having oral sex with a cow. The thought of that really blew me away! Would'nt you be afraid of the cow biting your dick off? How would you explain that one to your doctor? At this point of the story, my mind started working overtime. Oral, Anul, or good old fashion barnyard sex all sounds very sick and disturbing. At the same time I could'nt help but to wonder if it is really that bad. It is not like it is the crime of the century.
I guess if you are married and your spouse were to catch you butt slammin Betsy the best milker, then you could be in big trouble. You might say that she is partially to blame. If she were to give you a second chance, she might want to step up her game a bit in the bedroom. I'm thinking she may not even tell anybody about it because of it being a little embarrassing. If you're single however- is it really that big of a deal? I tried to think of who would be getting hurt. Surely it does not bother the cow. All the cow does is Sleep, eat, crap, and get milked 2-3 times a day. After having sex with a steer, the cow probably does'nt even feel anything. As long as the other cows do not make fun of you, it is probably pretty amusing to her. Weighing 500 pounds, if the cow did not like it, she would just have to take a few steps away from the guy. It is not like he would be strong enough to pull her back into him so that he can blow his load onto that beautiful tail. Now that I'm thinking about how the cow feels about being romanced, it does not sound that bad. I still do not understand how animal sex could get anybody excited? But there are a lot of things I do not understand.
I was quickly flipping through the bible, trying to find a section on beastiality. Of course I could not find anything. I'm thinking that God does not condone having sex with animals. Then again I'm not sure? When Jesus went to talk to Noah about building the arc, I'm sure if Noah was butt slammin a goat, our bible history would be different. Maybe I'm putting way to much thought into this topic. I'm just very interested in the subject, if I ever would try to write a book. I think that I would enjoy writing about barnyard sex. As sick as it might sound, it would be a good read that would be fun to research.
I would like to finish by apologizing to the chickens, sheep, pigs, and horses. I'm sure they all have nice asses and pussies too. It is just that I have the cow story in my head, so that is why the cow got most of the attention in this blog. No hard feelings!!
Almost forgot- When cousin Bradley went to his mom and dad to inform them of what he saw. He told them that somebody might want to re-train George on how to milk the cows. He is doing it all wrong. (True Story)
Love, Eric
Thursday, March 13, 2008
Joke of the day
Sorry if I already told you this one or if you read it in the Feb. issue of the Max for Men mag. that I love as much as this joke. Just a warning- this joke will lead to blog #5- which will probably be my most tastless and offensive blog that I shall ever post.
A farmer got arrested for having sex with one of his cows. When he had his day in court, the judge was disgusted with his actions and asked him "son, just what the heck were you thinkin?"
The farmer shrugged his shoulders and replied, "well sir, I guess I was just thinkin of a younger, hotter cow."
....to be continued.........
A farmer got arrested for having sex with one of his cows. When he had his day in court, the judge was disgusted with his actions and asked him "son, just what the heck were you thinkin?"
The farmer shrugged his shoulders and replied, "well sir, I guess I was just thinkin of a younger, hotter cow."
....to be continued.........
Wednesday, March 12, 2008
Idiot Misinformer
Just found out that Mangolds tax service misinformed me about the tax rebate that we will be getting. Turns out that it is still up in the air on how it is going to be handled. I wish I knew that before I wrote my letter to the editor!!
They ripped me a new asshole on the New Era web page where you can comment on different editorials. One guy said that you should not voice your opinion until you are fully aware of the facts. Another one said that I'm an idiot and should invest in a CD with my $1,800.
Always pessimistic, I still think that we're going to get screwed! I think that the guy who said I should invest my $1,800 in a CD is the real idiot!! With that kind of money I could get 100 CDs and 100 DVDs.
Either way- I still hate Bush! The man not the body part. There is a t-shirt that I'm getting ready to order that says "Dont Mess With Texas" that slogan sits on top of the big outlined state. And at the bottom, it says "it is not nice to make fun of retards". Sold!! send me a black one and a white one. Since Venda will not let me get the Obama- Half Honkey-All Donkey shirt.
Love, Eric
They ripped me a new asshole on the New Era web page where you can comment on different editorials. One guy said that you should not voice your opinion until you are fully aware of the facts. Another one said that I'm an idiot and should invest in a CD with my $1,800.
Always pessimistic, I still think that we're going to get screwed! I think that the guy who said I should invest my $1,800 in a CD is the real idiot!! With that kind of money I could get 100 CDs and 100 DVDs.
Either way- I still hate Bush! The man not the body part. There is a t-shirt that I'm getting ready to order that says "Dont Mess With Texas" that slogan sits on top of the big outlined state. And at the bottom, it says "it is not nice to make fun of retards". Sold!! send me a black one and a white one. Since Venda will not let me get the Obama- Half Honkey-All Donkey shirt.
Love, Eric
Tuesday, March 11, 2008
Letter to Editor
Local Taxpayer to IRS: Thanks for nothing
When the IRS sends out the letter to the taxpayers explaining how the tax rebate works. I hope they remember to tell us that it is actually just an advance to next year's income tax return. Next year, when we have a new commander in chief, my return will be $1,800 less than this year's check.
Instead of getting that new Harley, I will have to settle for a used one or a foreign bike! After almost eight years of trying to deceive people, we should not expect anything less from this regime in its final days.
I thought that I was getting a nice bonus from Bush. Instead, it looks like I will just be getting a Yamaha next summer!
It's probably a good thing. That is all I will be able to afford fuel for!! Thanks for nothing!!!
When the IRS sends out the letter to the taxpayers explaining how the tax rebate works. I hope they remember to tell us that it is actually just an advance to next year's income tax return. Next year, when we have a new commander in chief, my return will be $1,800 less than this year's check.
Instead of getting that new Harley, I will have to settle for a used one or a foreign bike! After almost eight years of trying to deceive people, we should not expect anything less from this regime in its final days.
I thought that I was getting a nice bonus from Bush. Instead, it looks like I will just be getting a Yamaha next summer!
It's probably a good thing. That is all I will be able to afford fuel for!! Thanks for nothing!!!
My first blog
I'm actually having fun setting up my blog page. I hope that anybody that is on here is enjoying the crap that I put on it. I was inspired to do a blog by a co-worker that was always complimenting the junk that I wrote on the football pool sites. She must be as screwed up in the head as I am?? I may also have been inspired by my letter to the editor that got put in print this week in the Lancaster New Era. Shocked the hell out of me that the Right Wingers would print anything that my Liberal butt would write! I guess I will finish this blog by posting my letter for anybody who does not read the commentary page in the Monday evening paper. You know what- I'm a rookie to all this blog shit and I'm not sure how many words go on one blog, so when this one is finished, I will make blog #2 my letter to the editor. How bout that- 2 blogs in one day for the price of one.
I can not promise any of my groupies that I will have new material on this page at all times. Especially when the phillies season starts. It takes a lot out of me watching them day in and day out. Drinking, swearing, throwing stuff, screaming, and being a pissed off jerk is rather exhausting. Who knows though? If there is any subject that comes up in the near future- Family, Sports, politics, or work(UPS) stories that are funny - I may have to comment on them!!!
Last thing I would like to add- If anything that I ever write offends anybody, I would like to apologize ahead of time. I'm not good at saying sorry, so this is it. Here we go- I will say it one time and one time only.
So So Sorry that you are such a sensitive pussy!!! Stay off this blog- U - make me sick!!!!
Love, Eric Handcock
I can not promise any of my groupies that I will have new material on this page at all times. Especially when the phillies season starts. It takes a lot out of me watching them day in and day out. Drinking, swearing, throwing stuff, screaming, and being a pissed off jerk is rather exhausting. Who knows though? If there is any subject that comes up in the near future- Family, Sports, politics, or work(UPS) stories that are funny - I may have to comment on them!!!
Last thing I would like to add- If anything that I ever write offends anybody, I would like to apologize ahead of time. I'm not good at saying sorry, so this is it. Here we go- I will say it one time and one time only.
So So Sorry that you are such a sensitive pussy!!! Stay off this blog- U - make me sick!!!!
Love, Eric Handcock
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