Trash Talk

I was just checking the message boards on my five MLB.com fantasy baseball teams. Most all my teams are doing better than ok, not to brag but- the one team came out of the gate real strong and I was feeling real good about Philly cheesesteak no juice. So I got on the league message board about 4 weeks into the season and posted some trash talk. I'm actually better at trash talk than I am at drafting the teams. I wrote that I can not see anybody beating my team and that I'm the only team that is 4-0 and that the one team did not give a shit or did not know shit because Chase Utley was on their bench.

Pretty harmless stuff, or so I thought. Especially since nobody responded to my messages, I figured that nobody wanted to play. Was I ever wrong- Last week the one team responded. It was not even the team that had Chase Utley. The Buffalo Indians title of their post was JERK!!

This guy or gal went on to tell me that I think I'm great and that I'm a playa, but i'm nottin more than a stupid jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved it! This guy or gal did not realize how much I like to have fun and get people fired up. How did he know that I was a stupid jerk? Was he talking to my wife??

I let him know in a nice way that I did not mean to offend him or anybody else in that league. I told him that trash talk is just part of fantasy sports and that maybe he should start buying a larger size panty, because I think his are too tight! I also told him that I am going to kick his sensitive ass the week that I play him because I still have the greatest team in the league!!!!

Love, stupid jerk,

July 4th

I love the birthday party for the ole U.S.ofA. This year is extra special because it falls on a Friday. That means we get off of work and get a 3 day weekend. I like the three day weekend more than the smell of gun powder and spare ribs on the grill!

The neighbor got some class B fireworks and I got 5 quarter sticks of dynamite. We got all that stuff for the kids of course. They love watching fireworks, so we figured we would set some off for them. As long as the setter offers do not drink too much beer before dark, it should be a good time.

My wife said that it is cool that I got 5 quarter sticks- that is one for each finger! I told her that her math sucks- I got 10 fingers! Then I told her not to worry, if one goes off it my hand- it will take off my whole arm! She told me that I better drink gatorade and not to throw any in the neighbors fish pond?

What is the number for the manor twp. fire company?


Red, white, and blue- Stars & Stripes- Baseball & Apple Pie- Happy 232!

Oriental Proverb

Yesterday is history- Tomorrow is a mystery- Today is a gift-
That is why it is called the present.

This has the makings of being one of my more sophisticated posts.

Besides, the only other oriental proverb I know is- Me so horny, me love you long time, five dolla, five dolla, me make you holla, me so horny.

So much for the sophisticated post- I guess that was a reach!


Everybody wang chung tonight!

Joke of the day

Why did the golfer need to buy a new club?

He got a hole in one.


Bear with me for posting a squeaky clean joke. I had to do something to offset the google picture that I just put on. I wish I had her for the hooters blog last month. Better late than never. Thats what he said.

I can not believe that this is Blog number 30 for me. It seems like just yesterday I was writing about screwing animals.

Love always,

Kung Fu Panda Review

I went on a date with my 6 year old. Decided to go out and catch a flick. The only thing out right now for a young kid is Kung Fu Panda, so that made our choice pretty clear and simple.

My daughter loved the movie. Although at times I noticed that she was more interested in the snacks that I snuck in from the CVS. We had Milk Duds, Jew Jew Bees, and Whoppers(candy-not BK). I also sprung for a large coke and a large popcorn from the theater snack stand. Seems like a lot of junk, but I skipped lunch and was up for the task of stuffing myself in case I got bored with the flick.

I liked parts of the movie, but a lot of parts of the movie were boring and sucky. I think I was a little bothered that I spent $12.25 for popcorn and a coke! The coke was $5. and the popcorn was $6. I thought the kid behind the counter making $6 bucks an hour was trying to make a $1.25 off of me. Turns out that they charge $1.25 for butter!!! So I told him to pour it on heavy if that is the case.

I guess when you have a cast that includes- Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, Lucy Lui, and James Hong. You need to get some extra cash wherever you can to help pay them for all the hard work they did when they left dreamworks use there voices. I'm sure they love showing up to work in sweats and tee shirts every day. A.Jolie was hot even as a kung fu tiger! She was so hot that at one point I spilled some melted butter on my shorts. At least that is the story that I'm going with.

I will give it **1/2 stars- it was not quite as good as Shrek, but better than Shrek 3.

C ya at the movies- E.P.Wee.H.Cock

The Perfect Storm

It got very dark right after dinner, the smell of a severe thunderstorm covered up the smell of the frozen pizza we just had. From the local news we heard the warning beeps on the TV in the backround as we cleared the paper plates from the table. No sooner did the lights and TV go off as we lost our power and we heard the Hailstones hitting the roof. We watched from the windows as our plastic lawn furniture blew into the field. It looked like that movie with the girl from Kansas? You might even say that our rancher was like the boat in the movie the perfect storm. Either way, it was entertaining enough that we forgot all about not having cable for the moment, as we had a live nature show right outside.

The pieces of hail were getting bigger, but they were still melting very fast as they hit the hot steamy ground. The lightning and thunder was going off every 30 seconds, and also added some excitement as the sky lit up. As the leader of our family, I should've gathered the troops and led them into the basement. But I got caught up in the moment and wanted to get my little girls a piece of hail. It was now falling out of the sky like marbles. With fathers day right around the corner, and me being the cool dad I am. I bravely walk right into the front yard and pick up the two biggest pieces I first saw. As I walked back towards the house with all three of my remaining family members watching as I get pelted with the freezing rain, ( it felt like my brother was shooting me with the daisy BB gun.) That is when it happened, 2-3 feet behind me a shot of lighting came down simultaneously with the loudest thunder I ever heard. I jumped onto the porch and ran for the door. My wife let out a loud scream as she saw the lightning hit the sidewalk, my kids started crying, and it was the closest I came to crapping myself since that first time I discovered Taco Bell!!

I've heard that you have a better chance to get struck by lightning than you have of hitting the lottery. Since I often play and never win, I now believe that statement to be true.
I may not be lucky enough to hit the lottery, but I feel lucky to be writing this story. I joke around all the time and say that I'm like a cat and that I have nine lives. My wife said I better start being more careful because she thinks that I only have 1 left.

Later,

Stinky Tinky

So I just get home from work and I walk past my wife as she's eating lunch. She says, "Oh my, I think I just gagged on my sandwhich, you stink really bad!"

No shit!! I just spent 4 hours working at door 14, another 4 hours picking up trash in the 94 degree heat. On top of that, I had an italian sub at the WaWa. You think I'm gonna smell like a bed of roses? She could of just told me that maybe I should take a shower sooner rather than later because I have a slight odor. That would've been sufficient!

Sweet V just put clean, fresh smelling sheets on our bed. Out of spite, I thought about rolling around on them before I showered and stinking them up real good. As much fun as that would be, I also thought that I might not be rolling around on the bed having fun again anytime soon if I did that. So I chuckled thinking about it and jumped in the shower and took a nice cold one.

Ready for fall,

Whats up doc?

3 rabbits escape from a testing lab & find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep through the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep through the night. The next morning, The rabbits get to talking.

"I am gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I am gonna go back to the fuck bunny field," says the second.

"I am going back to the lab," says the third. "I am dying for a cigarette!"

Say What?

My mom use to always say, "You think I'm a monkeys uncle?" I would always reply like a smart ass and say, "dont you mean aunt?" Then she would say, "You want me to lick your ass?" I would think to myself how gross that sounded, my mom licking my ass, but I would'nt respond out loud because I knew what she meant. Usually the pain was not worth it just for a good one liner.

Another saying I always liked was- that kid is full of piss & vinegar. I guess that is better than being full of shit.

The only good loser is a loser. And second place is the first loser. They are lines that have a special meaning to me. I am very competitive and hate losing! My six year old beat me at checkers a few months ago. I have not played since. She beat me fair and square. Some parents let their kids win at games. I wish that was the case with me that night she whooped me, but it was'nt! When they do win- it is very special to them.

I have some more sayings that I tweeked a bit.

1. Late bird gets a piece of shit that tastes like worm

2. Earlier my wife was in a bad mood, must be her time of the day

3. I got a lot of work done at the dentist, my teeth hurt so bad that I had to piss.

4. Sticks & Stones- You stupid inconsiderate asshole!!

5. If dog is mans best friend, why does he shit on his front yard right next to the sidewalk?

6. Make love whenever we are at war.

7. I cant believe its not butter- I can! It tastes like melted fucking plastic!!!!

8. You got a friend in Pennsylvania- Fuck PA, I got enough friends!!


If anybody can think of any that I forgot- feel free to post them

Smell Ya Later,