Funny Quote of the day

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat & drop it?

Steven Wright

Classic Joke Time

A dog, Cat, and Penis were sitting around the campfire. The dog says, "my owner treats me awful! He walks me to a fire hydrant and makes me do my business on it." The cat responds, "that is nothing, my owner makes me do my business in a litter box that I am lucky if he cleans out once a week!" The penis says, "I got both you cry babies beat! My owner tightly wraps my head with a bag and makes me do push ups until I throw up!"

U.P.S update

Sorry Tony that I do not have much to report this week. And next week I am on vacation, so I will have no report at all. I plan on taking a sick personal day tomorrow since that is my usual M.O to take the friday b4 vacation off. I am a fucking creature of habit, that is for sure.

We did move all the mez shit to the top of the red belt. So now instead of door 14 getting slammed, the whole bottom half of the sort aisle gets punished! So if you sort 11 or 12, it is like sorting door 14 with an unloader! I had our fearless leader Rob King(who I actually respect as a boss.) come up to the sort aisle to see what the problem was after I shut things down. I told him that I would love to see his fat ass sort two unloaders and the damn returns at door 11. J.H.Christ I am only one person! His response was "thank God their is only one of you!" He is lucky that I respect him so much or I would've sorted him to the brown belt and when he got jammed up- I would've broke the jam in the usual way with my steel tip boots!!

On a lighter note- actually I guess I should say on the same note- Alex(Turtle, not fat part-time supervisor Alex) asked me why I always make fun of him like a jackass? I asked him, "how do you know how I make fun of Jackasses?"

Happy Memorial day to all you hot dog eating champs out there,

Peace, E.H

Carnival season

Carnivals are great. The difference between a Carnival and an amusement park is the special people that work at each place. The price of the rides are about the same, even though the carnival rides are very cheesy! Sometimes the food at the carnival is better than the amusement park food depending on where you are. But like I stated earlier, it is the people that make a difference. I am thinking that carnival workers(or carnies as some may say) they do not have a good dental plan if one at all? They also might not have hot water in their RV's that they travel around in from town to town. But if you catch them in just the right mood as you're getting on one of the rides that they are in charge of that night, they might smile at you, blow some cigarette smoke in your direction and pat your kid on the butt as they help them on the best 20 second ride in town. Some day when I retire, I may just look into being a carnie for one summer. Just for the experience. I think I could blend in pretty good and make some new friends. Probably even get enough material from the experience that I could write a book about it? Somebody remind me of this plan in 15-20 years in case I forget.

E.H

U.P.S update for Tony w.t.f. Shuck

Alex tried to give the vending machine guy a red card today because his hoagie had to many onions on it and only 1 pack of mayo!

Tommy is Pat Moyers right hand man.

Alex(turtle) is still slow and lazy. (hence turtle)

That is all for now. Hope you are adjusting well to just working one job and playing in your country western band.

Later, E.H

Restroom Literature at the bar

"Please do not throw toothpicks in the Urinals, crabs can pole vault"

Prove it- ok

My youngest daughter says, "Sabrina is mean, she is always so mean!" And I says, "Hey she takes after her mom." And my wife says, "You shut up! Why do you have to be such a jerk and say something stupid like that?" And I says, "see what I mean?"

Where ya been Handcock?

I have been a little busy fulfilling my requirements to the state for the D.U.I that I received a little over 2 years ago. Holy Shit! Has it been that long. I guess my lawyer drug his feet on the whole thing as long as the system would allow us to. I now am in the middle of serving my driving suspension and paying all the damn fines. I magically escaped the 72 hours in jail and only got 72 hours in house arrest. Anybody who knows my wife, knows that I have that every 3 days!!

But out of all the fun stuff that you get to do- the funnest is without a doubt the interesting people you get to meet when you have the educational classes on drugs and alcohol. I started those a month ago. Every Wednesday from 12:30pm-3:30pm. There were 24 of us at the first class. We were required to go to 4 classes. The cost was like $150. If you were late or missed any class or showed up under the influence you would lose your money and have to take them over again and repay.

When we completed our final class last Wednesday. There were 11 of us that got our Graduation Certificate. There were 12 at the beginning of the class, but the one guy did not pass the breathalizer test that they gave him and they took him away. Some of my fellow classmates really made me feel good about myself. There were many funny stories to share and they seemed to like sharing them. I know the class inspired me to give a thank you speech when I got my diploma. It went something like this...............

I would like to thank everybody who made this possible for me. Judge Miller and the wonderful DA. My Lawyer and his team. The Manor Twp. police force. Miller Brewing Company. And I would not want to forget my drunken grandfathers who passed down their genetics to me. You all helped in your special way and I will never forget that! Thank you, thank you very much!

The instructor did not appreciate my sense of humor and said that it almost sounded like I got nothing from her class.

Later