Just Wondering

Will 3 fasnacht's at 3:30pm ruin my dinner?

Fat Tuesday kicks ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Fat Handcock

I aint no Ward Cleaver

The other night I told my girls that we should not put Cool Whip on our deserts because it will make you sick.

My 5 year old says, "Liar, Liar, Liar, your pants are on fire!!"

I responded by looking at my trousers and I says, "No way, they are not on fire! So who's the damn liar now!!"

My wife casually responded from the other room,  "please knock it off!  None of yous are funny!"

Golly Gee Beav- your just a dumb kid.

As corny as they get

Sometimes the Axe will not remember. But the tree will never forget.

What do you call a gorilla who's sister has a kid.-----   A monkey's uncle

Always take time to smell the flowers......  Just pray that a bee does not sting you in the nose!

Sometimes life will deal you a bad hand.  Thats when you flip off the dealer and go to the horse races!

P.S-  I made those last two up myself.  I'm so proud of me.

Later,

Multi-Tasking

The other day my wife informed me that while I was at work goofing off,  she was at home doing 2 loads of wash, cleaning the family room, and baking cupcakes all at once.  I had to tip my phillies cap to her.  I told her that she might want to skip the cupcakes and scrub the tub instead.  Because the only thing that I think I can do at the same time is shampoo and pee.  If I'm lucky I might be able to fart and drink a sip of beer at the same time.  I do not think that is a very big deal though,  it is just a guy thing.  

Gotta run,  I put some steaks on the grill about an hour ago, got on the computer and forgot about them.  Now they will taste like leather!!  I knew I should've just called for takeout!!!

Happy V-Day to all and may you love somebody half as much as they love you!

E.Handcock

Swimming Lessons

My wife has been trying to figure out where to take our kids for swimming lessons.  Maybe all they need are a few bong hits and they will be fine!

I remember seeing M.Phelps on 60 minutes talking about a normal day of training and what all is involved in his daily routine.  Before spending 8 hours in the pool, he would have pancakes, sausage, 8 eggs, bacon, oatmeal, 4 bowls of cereal, OJ, and some blueberry muffins for breakfast.  I thought to myself that you must need lots of energy to swim all day.  Now I think that maybe he just did the old wake and bake every morning!!

Go for the gold!!

Diarrhea

Diarrhea- excessive frequency and looseness of bowel movements.

With flu season amongst us,  I need to use both hands to count the number of times that somebody has told me they have a bad case of diarrhea.  I just do not understand why this is necessary.  They could just tell me that they have an upset stomach and a bad case of the flu.  And I could just wonder for myself if there is an excessive amount of runny shit involved.  I have had my grandmother, co-worker, neighbor, and even a turkey hill clerk brag about having the Hershey squirts in the last several weeks.  Whether they got this from the flu, something they ate, or even one to many adult beverages from the night before.  I honestly do not care to hear about it.  It is actually kind of funny, unless you are getting ready to sit down and chow down on some grub and you can not get the mental image of the fat store clerk splattering the toilet bowl + seat with his liquid shit!!

Always talkin shit,   E.Handcock

I saw mommy doing daddy under the X-mas tree

A little boy catches his mom riding his dad, and the mom tells him that she is just trying to flatten daddies big belly.  The little boy responds,  "it does not matter, mommy.  Because the babysitter gets on her knees and blows it back up."

Man caught with pigeons in his pants

An Austrailian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East.  The 23-year-old man was searched after authorities discovered two eggs in a vitamin container in his luggage.  They found the pigeons wrapped in padded envelopes and held to each leg with a pair of tights.  The alleged bird smuggler is looking at 10 years in prison and $70,000 in fines.

The birds were not rare and they could not figure out why he tried to sneak the birds through the airport.

I rather enjoyed reading about this guy and got a kick out of thinking about him in jail telling his cell-mates why he was there.  I'm sure that some of them really will take a liking to him.  I also thought that the title of the article should've been....... Man has three birds in his pants or......  Are you happy to see me or is that just some pigeons in your pants?