Happy fucking turkey day!

My family celebrated thanksgiving up in the mountains. My brother cooked the bird on a charcoal grill. It was fucking awesome!! I was very fucking thankful for such a feast. We enjoyed the holiday in the Mountains. And the whole fucking family had a great time as we pigged out and relaxed out in the boonies!!

Hey Christmas- fuck you- here we come!!

Love, e.handcock

Burn baby Burn

Somehow me and the mrs. got on the topic of sharks and whales. I told her that I did not think that to many sharks would eat their victims that they would just attack them and bite them.

I also said that even though a whale is the largest mammal I am sure that they would not eat a human being because their throats are not big enough.

The old lady did not believe this and her reasoning was that Jonah had got eatin by a whale. I do not even know who that is, but figured that it was somebody from the bible. Did not feel like fighting about it so I just said, "whatever, I just know that a whale can not eat a person." The wife says, " I will ask Jonah when I get to heaven." Feeling frisky, I say, "oh yeah, what if Jonah went to Hell?" I think she set me up, because without hesitating she says, "then you ask her!!"

Ouch, burned again

What Happened to Christmas?

I really enjoy the small church that my wife drags me to about every other Sunday. One Sunday a month I have a union meeting and one Sunday a month I just am not functionable enough to leave the house on Sunday morning. So hence, the every other Sunday church routine.

I use to hate when the worship center would preach that they need $170,000 to meet their budget for the year. And that was in October! I was always like, what the hell? I do not think our $20. a week is going to help out that much. And my wife would say- oh, I give $50. sometimes. And I would be like- really? When did you get a fucking job?

But that was here nor there- I think even though we switched over to this smaller church right down the road, the worship center still had enough in their account to buy the 18 acre farm lot out back and build their expansion. Can I get a praise the lord from the congregation? Praise the lord!

Our small church never preaches about how much money they need. It really is almost like they do not give a shit? Today we got a pamphlet that was all about giving at Christmas. It went something like this-

Stressmas- Impersonalmas, Checklistmas, Consumermas, Trafficjammas, Gotta-buy-everyone-a-damn-gift-even-if-they-hate-it-mas.

We want to celebrate Christmas the way it was intended: with Jesus. For Jesus.

Worship Fully, Spend Less, Give More, Love All. Are you ready to enter the story?

This Christmas we are inviting you to take the one-less-gift Advent Conspiracy challenge as we as a church take a stand together and show the world that Christ is here. Still loving, still caring for those in need. It is what one less gift can do. Less spending. More relational giving. More resources to help those who need it most.

So here's our Advent Conspiracy plan:

Fuck the wife or girlfriend: between birthdays and Valentines day, the bitch has gotten enough expensive shit through the year! send a contribution to some third world family that does not have clean drinking water or shirts to wear!

Fuck the spoiled rotten kids! Those little shits eat and drink 10 times a day when some kid in Africa is happy to get some generic oatmeal every other day!!!

And last but not least- Fuck you- drink cheaper beer- do not go out as much and just maybe spend some money at the grocery store and not the fast food drive-thru!! Send donations to people that are much worse off than we are!

Learn more at www.millersvillebic.org

Our Local Community also needs you!!!!!

Yankee doodle dandy

How long does it take A-Rods mom to take a shit?

9 months!!!

double cheeseburger?

As I was watching football today, I seen that goddamn Burger King commercial about 200 times. They compare their double cheeseburger to Mickey D's. I think that as soon as I get bored on my little 2 week vacation. I am going to do a taste test for lunch and go through each drive thru and get about a half dozen of each.

I will bring them home and wash them down with a few pabst blue ribbons and we will see who gets the blue ribbon! I'm thinking that the toilet will end up getting the blunt of the contest!

Either way, for $.99 a piece- what the hell. Between the beer and burgers I will still spend less than $15. and feed the whole family! Of course I will have to throw in some potato chips and carrot sticks. I always like dinner to support our 4 basic food groups.

Later,

The Birds and the Bees

A dad asks his 9 year old son if he heard about the birds and the bees yet? The kid responds, "No, and I do not want to hear about them!" Why not? says the dad. The boy says, "At 6 years old I found out there was not an easter bunny! At 7 years old I got the no such thing as Santa speech, and when I was 8 you told me there was no tooth fairy!!! If you even tell me that grown ups do not Fuck...... I will have nothing to live for!"

I need help!

I do not know whether to call A.A or G.A. If there is even such a thing as gamblers anonymous?

I think that if I could just beat the drinking one(A.A)- then I probably would not bet as much as I do. I really get a buzz from betting a game and then watching it as I drink like a fresh water fish!

I only think that I have a problem when I lose or when I am out of Rum! What should I do? Please help me solve this problem and let me know if I should call somebody for help. I am very confused right now as I do not know whether to drink some Captain or bet on the Cowboys +3 on Sunday night?

Thanks, P.Head

Joke Time- It's a scary one.

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture to this large class about the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he started out by asking if anybody has ever seen a ghost? 90 kids raised their hands. Then he asked, out of all of you that seen a ghost have any of you talked to them. Half of them responded yes. Did any of you touch them? was his next question. 3 kids apparently had touched the ghosts.

He said he was going to go one step further and wanted to know if any of them tried to make love to the ghosts? Way in the back, Bubba nodded with a big grin on his face. The teacher took his glasses off and said that in all his years nobody ever admitted to having sex with the ghosts. He asked Bubba to come up to the podium and share his experience with the whole class. So Bubba made his way up front and got on stage. The professor says, please share your experience of having sex with ghosts, Bubba. Shiiit!, says Bubba- from way in the back, I thoughts you was sayin goats!!!