March Madness

I noticed that I made 13 entries in March. 14 now- Must have had a lot of stupid shit in my head that I needed to release. I feel much better now. I may go back in M.I.A on the Comfortably Dumb stuff since fantasy baseball is going to take up much of my valuable time.

Tomorrow is a special holiday for all of us Bullshitters! (April 1st) So be ready not to believe a gosh darn thing that anybody says!

I already heard a rumor out at work that our Manager that got bit by her Jack Russell is coming back on April 1st. Somebody was working in advance on that A.Fools joke!

Gotta go- My wife is away with the kids and some beautiful blonde is knocking at my door. I think her red corvette broke down in front of my house. Looks like she needs to use our shower.(okay, I am just getting ready a little early!)

E.H

Handcock saying of the day

Be careful not to throw stones at a glass house unless you are trying to kill two birds with one stone and your dumb ass misses both birds and hits the glass house instead.

Deep Thoughts, E.H

Steeler Pride

We all know about all the trouble the Steelers QB Big Ben has been getting into. Next to Tiger Woods he is the most famous troubled man in sports these days. And now the Steelers have another player that got into a little trouble. Santonio Holmes who is not unfamiliar with run ins with the law, just had another minor incident about 2 weeks ago. I say minor because after mentioning Tiger and Big Ben in the same breath, Santonio seems like his is more on the same level as not paying a parking ticket!

Turns out that Santonio was at a night club and threw his drink at this chick. One article that I read said that he threw the glass and beverage at her and she got a little cut on her face?

He was pretty street smart about the whole thing when questioned about it by reporters, he said that he did not know what they were talking about? Somebody did however over hear him tell his bodyguard- "What the Fu*k is the big deal! It is not like I took her into the baffroom and treated her like my own mother fuck*n cum urinal!!"

E.H

I'm gonna knock you out!

A co-worker was telling me that her daughters friends dog punched her. It sounded pretty funny and even funnier when she said that the dog was a boxer. This girl does not really joke around much. So I believe her that the Boxer Breed got its name for this very reason. They stand up on their hind legs and swing away when they get excited! I'm thinking the dogs name was Sugar Ray, Tyson, Ali, or Rocky(how original that would probably be?)

It was a punch that she will never forget. She said that it was harder than her husband or boyfriend ever hit her. (just kidding) (they do not hit her at all.)

Road Kill follow up

Maybe the guy gets really trashed and has a thing for animals. He may have not believed the opossum was really dead. He could have been like- come on and pucker up possy poss, I know you are just playing around and just acting like your dead. Give me some sugar and quit playing hard to get!!!

Public Drunk & Road Kill

Police: Drunk man tried to revive opossum

PUNXSUTAWNEY (AP)

-Police say they charged a Pennsylvania man with public drunkeness after he was seen trying to resusciatate a long-dead opossum along a highway.

State police Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw 55-year-old Donald Wolfe, of Brookville, near the animal Thursday along Route 36.

The trooper said another saw Wolfe attempting to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Levier says the animal already had been dead a while.

I just read this in the Saturday morning paper. How disturbing is this? If there was ever a reason or a sign from God for somebody to stop drinking, I think Donny Wolfe just got it! Kissing dead road kill is not the most normal thing to do even if you are shit faced wasted! It is embarrassing enough to get a public drunkeness. I know from experience! At least I was just walking down the middle of the road and cursing at the police and questioning their sexual preferences! I can live with that- Interacting with road kill is just a little sick in whatever sense we are talking about!

I was trying to put myself in Mr. Wolfes shoes and try to figure out what he was thinking in his fucked up state of mind. The only thing I could come up with was that maybe he thought it was the famous Punxsutawney ground hog and it was still moving around a little(as every object he looked at was doing!) and he was going to be a hero and bring this animal back to life? Unfortunately that was not the case and now this guy is probably going to have to move to another time zone or at least out of state!

I actually enjoyed reading this article because as much as I like to drink and have done stupid things in the past. It is good to know that there is somebody out there doing even stupider stuff! Thanks Donald Wolfe! You're still not my hero though.

Sincerely, E.H

Tough Love!

The other night once the kids went to bed and me and the wife had some down time we started talking about what would happen if one of us were to kick the bucket. I think we saw previews for that movie the bucket list and it got us rolling on the subject. My bucket list is real simple- Being the huge Phillie fan that I am, I just want to travel with them for one full season and hit every road stadium. I think that would be one hell of a summer!! A little expensive, but well worth it! I also want to hit Vegas sometime in the near future. Who knows, maybe that will pay for my baseball adventure?

My wife did not really have much of a bucket list. She sort of had the same one as me, since somebody would have to travel with me and make sure that I do not get in any trouble. That would be her job as usual.

I also told my wife that I want her to sell all my shit right away if anything happens to me. She asked why? And I told her- I am sure that she would re-marry and that I do not want some other asshole using all my stuff! She wanted to know why I thought she would find another asshole to marry?

Later gator, E.H

Last post- Lawyers

Damn I drink to much! I vaguely remember writing that last post. I just read it and was thinking towards the end of the entry, what the hell am I talking about? I seem to always talk shit about Oprah when I am hitting the hard stuff! Maybe secretly, I have a huge crush on her? If I am going to fantasize about a big girl, I wish I could focus on somebody else. Hey smart asses from work- Not that one girl that does look ups either!!! You know who I am talkin about! Just do not go there! Thanks

All you can eat, E.H

Lawyers

When I saw my one lawyer the other day, he told me that I probably would not have to be present for the next court hearing.

My lawyer that is in charge of the civil suit is a very nice guy. My Lawyer that is in charge of the criminal suit is also a good guy and very professional.

How cool is it that I have two lawyers? I feel like a sports star or a politician!!

The only difference between me and them is that I am more innocent!!

I plead the fifth your honor!! but let me just tell you that I only drank 10 beers and smoked 2 joints!! I also had sex with one prostitute and gave her some crack for payment. But that was all I was guilty of that evening. So I would like to plead the fifth now. thank you, thank you very much. Did anybody ever tell you that you look like Oprah? Before she lost all the weight.

E.H

????????

If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?

Co-workers say the meanest things to other co-workers

I got a kick out of Big White the other day at work. Big White of course is Jeff Lee. He got the nickname from Joe. It was not a very tough one to come up with since Jeff Lee is a huge white guy!

So on with the story. Big White was sorting for Simone. At least he was trying his hardest to sort for Simone. It was a heavy flow and things were not going very well for Big White. Just as a big heavy box of small plastic pieces of something went all over the red belt and shut the system down. All the belts were off and things got sort of quiet. B.W yells over to Simone- "You send one more Fucking open box over here and I'm gonna come over there and punch you in your big fat retarded head!!!" Anybody who knows the persons head that Big White wants to punch knows how funny this is because it is true. His head is extremely large, it is of unproportionate status. He hardly ever wears a hat because I do not think that he can find one that will fit his head. He wears those knit caps and they just do not look right. The cap is all lumpy and looks uncomfortable atop his big melon. I have a buddy J.Dooley that has a nice size head and Simone makes his head look small!

With all that said. I do not think that it was necessary for B.W to add all the adjectives in front of head. That was just plain mean. Even Simone who never shuts up, just stood there with a dumb look on his face. White could've gotten away with just saying "I'm gonna punch you in the head" He did not need to add big fat and retarded! I think he crossed the line and I did tell him that. He just laughed and said that he was as harmless as Lenny in the classic "Of Mice and Men".

Wait a minute- I kind of remember Lenny killing a farm girl in that story?

Keep on Truckin, E.H

A Joke about Fleas

2 Fleas were in a pussy. One flea was a burglar and one was addicted to drugs. How can you tell them apart?

Easy, the burglar flea was hiding in the bush and the druggy flea was sniffing crack!

I love it when Joe tells me stupid corny jokes!

Facebook

I think my favorite part about facebook is making fun of it.

Sometimes I have to laugh when some kid from first grade wants to be my friend on facebook. We were not friends in Elementary school, what makes the chump think that things have changed 30 years later?

Some people get very offended if you say they spend a lot of time on facebook. If you have facebook set up on your cell phone so that you do not miss out on what one of your closest 759 friends are doing every minute, you may spend to much time on FB as the regulars like to call it.

If your kids are being bad and you do not get off the computer to spank their butts and you just yell and holler at them from your desk- you may spend to much time on FB.

Some FB activities include Farmville, Mafia Wars and Texas Hold'em Poker. Whenever I get invited to join any of that stuff I am fair across the board and decline.

I think that Farmville is where you get Acres and Acres of land and crops and barns and animals and then you have to take care of the farm. You can invite facebook friends to help you plow the fields and feed the animals I think? I think I would rather spend my computer time on Fantasy Baseball, Soliditare and Porn!!!! Thanks anyway.

My ultimate goal for facebook is to say something so obscene that I get kicked off the site for life. I just hope that happens before they start charging $3.99 a month! You gotta have goals and I think this is one that I can reach sometime in the near future. I am not sure how funny my wife will think it is? Especially since she has a facebook reputation to uphold! Unlike me.

Can't we all just be facebook friends?

E.H.Cock

Movie Review (The Informant)

The previews made this Matt Damon film look like it might be a pretty cool flick to check out. Or at least that is what my dumbass thought! I do not know what made me more pissed off, the fact that I spent five bucks to watch it On Demand or that I stuck with it for the 102 minutes!! Plain and simple- It Fucking Sucked! It dragged and was very boring in several spots- (the beginning, middle, and end!) The couple funny preview highlights that I thought made the movie look like it might be funny were just funny in the previews! By the time the movie got to those one liners you were already ready for them and they were not that funny anymore.

So on a five star scoring system- I would have to give this film 0 stars

I would've been better off watching Undercover Boss or playing a game of checkers with the wife!!

E.H