Knee Pads

I am on vacation this week. So every day it seems like my wife has a favor or a little job for me to do. I guess it is sort of her way to keep me busy so that I stay out of trouble? Good luck with that.

Todays task was to clean the kitchen floor. I got instructions on exactly how it was to be done. To be honest with you, the instructions almost lasted longer than it took me to do the job! I am to be sure to sweep the floor with a broom first. And then pick up the swept up dirt with the dustpan.(No Shit!) Then fill the bucket up with warm water and the liquid soap that is sitting out and then use the sponge and get down on your hands and knees and be sure to get under the one counter and over by the stove where it is real dirty. Last time you used a mop and the floor did not get very clean! Work your way from the door to the dining room so that you do not have to back track over the wet floor.(at this point I am sure that my wife thinks she married a Retard!)

So as soon as she left I got on my hands and knees and did everything I was suppose to. Except I swept the dirt down the steps and I dried the floor with her bathroom towel and then hung it back up in the bathroom when I was done. Even though I was not on my knees for too long as I did a fast half assed job of it. My knees were starting to bother me a bit. For Christmas I think I am going to get Venda some knee pads. I will be sure to make a rude comment when I see her using them as she is doing the kitchen floor. Something like, Hey while you got those knee pads out, we might as well put them to good use. If she shoots down that smooth line, then I will ask her if she wants me to help out by drying the floor just like I did last time I cleaned it?

Mr Clean E.H

Slow down and smell the coffee!

Our message in Church last week was a good one. The pastor gave us some advice that I have already listened to and followed faithfully for some time now. Slow down and do not be in such a hurry to do everything. Do not overload your schedule and make your life more hectic than it needs to be!

How often do you ask somebody how they are doing or what they have been up to lately? What is the common most often response that you get? Oh we are so busy right now. We just got back from vacation and the kids are in several sports, cub scouts, dance, plays. Husband or wife are working a ridiculous amount of hours at their job. All kinds of projects going on around the house. Helping a sick friend, neighbor, or family member. Just not enough time in a day!! We are getting ready to get even more busy in the upcoming season.

You all have heard some of these examples before I am sure. What I am going to do from now on when somebody asks me what I have been up to or hows it going. I will be completely honest and answer something like this- Damn it, I can not remember the last time I put 40 hours in. I am either sleeping in and getting to work late or I leave early every Friday to get the weekend started early. I was just on vacation the other week and did not do Jack Squat. We went to Ruby Tuesdays for dinner one night and that was as far away from my couch and TV that I got all week. I do not do anything around the house except watch sports, movies, or get on the internet. I do tend to sleep 10-12 hours when the kids let me. If you do not believe me, just ask my wife and she will confirm it. My one daughter has a 1/2 hour piano lesson once a week and the other plays T-Ball in the spring but that is about all they do other than watch TV, Movies, play video games, or get on the computer.

Sometimes you really do need to slow down and smell the flowers, coffee, or cow manure if your in our backyard when they are spreading the fields.

I may have stretched the truth a little bit when telling this story, but I am being very honest when I say that some of my favorite moments in life is when their is nothing planned what so ever and my wife and kids say- we are bored, what are we going to do? I usually respond- lets just enjoy each others company, sit for a while and we can talk or play a game of checkers? Oh yeah-and go get daddy another beer.

E.H

The sky is falling, the sky is falling

A few weeks ago we had this huge party/pig roast. It was a great time and we got a few good stories out of it as well. It was funny when somebody told me that it looked like a chocolate cake with chocolate frosting was just put in the jiffy john with a stick of dynamite in it. We had a bloody nose or two in the big moon bounce. Me and my brother-in-law were running around with the pig tongue in our mouth. Oh no- that is almost like we were kissing the same pig!!

But I think that the funniest story of all was when Travis Hosstetter asked me at work if I had a good lawyer. He said that he got a severe head injury when a piece of candy hit him on the head. Turns out that the candy cannon/potato gun that my brother was shooting candy out of for the kids was a nice little weapon. Travis showed me the mark on his bald head and it looked like a cartoon knot almost. Luckily his kid did not get hit. He had the 6 month old on his back on one of those kiddy back packs toting the kid around the party. Like I usually do I tried to joke around about it with him and told him that it was probably a dum dum lollipop? He says all serious like- No it was a blow pop I am pretty sure.

Its not a real party without Beer, Band, Cops, and a hillbilly candy scramble!!!!

E.H

What the "F" have you been up to?

Anybody that knows me knows that I am very busy with fantasy sports this time of the year. Fantasy Baseball has its playoffs right now and Football is just getting started. On top of the fantasy leagues I also am in 3 different pools and I like to place a wager or two on a game every now and then. It is no wonder why September and October is my favorite time of the year!

Yesterday I did however find some time in my hectic schedule to go have lunch with my daughters at their school. Turns out that anytime a parent wants to just pop into the school at lunch time and eat with their kids, they can. It was pretty cool! The food was good, the kids were hilarious and there were all these hot moms there helping out. Basically just standing around and making sure that none of the kids choke on their food I guess? I am thinking that my kids school does not allow any ugly women into the cafeteria? Unless they are back in the kitchen?

The highlight of the mid day meal for me was when this one little second grade girl came up to me, and with her hands on her hips and a stern look on her face. She says "You're Big!" And without hesitation I responded, "Yeah, I'm a fifth grader!" She shook her head and walked away and all the kids busted out laughing. I was one of the cool kids for sure!

Sincerely, Billy Madison Handcock

U scream I scream We all scream.......

I just ate the best damn Ice Cream ever! Turkey Hill Limited Edition- Baked Apple Dumpling.

It should be called Heavenly Caramel with apple cinnamon and little pieces of brown sugar clumps in a vanilla base that make your mouth water as you are slamming it down! If you are a stoner- all you would need is a tablespoon and the whole half gallon and a big bib to catch your slobber!!

I really should get into advertising! If I believe in a product- I could sell the shit out of it!

Rod Stewart

She wrecked my bed and then the next morning she kicked me in the head!

Wonder if Maggie knows my wife?

New layout

I finally got around to updating and posting new pictures to the right of my stupid blogs. I really enjoyed displaying some of my favorite women from the 70's and 80's that I watched mostly on TV and some in the movies. The Heather Thomas poster of her in the hot pink bikini getting out of the hot tub is a real special one for me. I'm pretty sure I lost my virginity on that one! I always enjoyed trying to get lucky with Chrissy Snow on Threes Company also. It just seemed that every time I was almost ready to explode into the paper towel, a scene with the Ropers would pop up! They were funny but they could really kill a special moment!

Looking back at all those special women really makes me think. One of my thoughts are about how much we take them for granite now days. With such easy access to porn on the computer, the days of snuggling up on the couch with a cool drink and a box of tissues for Charlies Angels as you race to finish before the next commercial break, really is a thing of the past!

Someday I will try to share some of these thoughts with my grandkids and hope that they do not think that I am just a dirty old man. But If I do not educate them on this stuff- Who will?

E.H

The Thirst Quencher

Not sure if I shared this with anybody already. But A few weeks ago I started charging the kids 50 cents every time I find a half full gatorade or soda laying around. I got tired of wasting so many drinks, because like most normal kids they seem to like the idea of opening a drink, taking a sip or two and sitting it down and that is all she wrote. We have one of those 16 oz. red plastic cups that is all of a sudden filled with funds. Almost forgot to mention that the cup is also a swear jar. When Mommy or Daddy get caught saying a bad word, they have to throw in half a buck. My lovely wife still has a pocket full of change! I can not say the same, as this heat makes me very irritable and I am often caught letting out a few cuss words. Sometimes I wake up on a Saturday morning and start the day off with a cup of coffee and then I throw a buck in the jar. One has got to his limitations! The funny thing is that when I do find a full drink laying around. It is usually good for a buck in the cup- 50 cents from one of the kids and 50 from me when I say- Who the hell is wasting drinks again? I'm tired of this shit!!! ( I get a 2 for one deal!)

Later gator

funny bumper sticker

printed in medium sized letters- At Least you can pull my hair!

Then right below that in smaller letters- If you're going to ride my ass!

Loved that one- by the way, I read it in the parking lot of the store.

co-workers say the most f-ed up things!

So today in the sort aisle- Big Patty Moyer yells over to Sharon and says, "you really are beautiful, but you are so stupid!"

Maybe Pat is correct in her assumption. Because Sharon just smiled at her. I would've yelled back, yeah and you are so smart, but you really are fat and ugly!

quote of the day- by Snacky

That faggot Simone has such a big mouth that King Kongs dick would'nt fit into it!!

Free Bargain Counter

The Lancaster Newspaper now offers a free bargain counter for any items that are being sold for under $150. Keep your ad under 2 lines for the junk you are trying to unload and you are set! Here are a few items in this weeks paper that I thought were very odd, funny, and amusing.

Handicap portable toilet, like new. $7. (What a deal!)

1 case Monavie $95. We paid $140. (What the fuck is Monavie?)

Old chip cans. $5. each. (no thanks, I will buy new ones with chips in them for $10!)

Female Manequin on stand $100. (I want to call and ask if she is a virgin! - if so I will pay $150.)

5 silver dimes from 30's and 40's $9. obo. ( I will give you 50 cents for all of them!)

Crib Sheets with poo on them $10. (how much are they without the poop?)

I never had so much fun reading the bargain counter before. I have to laugh at the time and energy these assholes put into trying to get rid of their junk. I just put my stuff out along the road and within an hour somebody usually stops and snags it. You know what they say- One mans junk is another mans treasure! Especially if it is free!

Fred Sanford Hancock

Joke

What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?

Answer- Well Hung!

stupid is as stupid does

I do not trust anything that bleeds for 5 days!

God must really like stupid people- He made so many of them!

I would love to agree with you- but then we would both be wrong! (all-time fav.)

Work Update

I feel very guilty for the nickname that I gave our new boss. When Rob King was still there. I said that he was batman and Robin Rose was boy wonder.(get it?) She really has been pretty cool to work for and not as difficult as I thought she might be.

Things are still as fucked up as ever though. I am so excited that I have the next 16 days off. As I took 2 weeks vacation in a row. I already told my oldest daughter that she may want to stay away from daddy on July 25th(sunday night b4 I go back) as I may be a real prick! She said, "what is a prick?" Is that the same thing as a dick? I asked her nicely not to repeat any of that conversation to Mommy!! But yes, Dick, Prick, Cock, Penis, Shaft, and Pecker are all the same thing and when mommy calls daddy any of these it is all in good fun!

E.Peckerhead

Goldfish funeral and a little old fashion road rage!

It was brought to my attention that the easiest way to view that 40 second video that I thought was funny. Is just to go to Youtube and punch in goldfish funeral.

I would also like to say that I do not appreciate that stupid bitch that was tailgating me earlier today. I am sorry that I need to obey the speed limit since I am driving without a licence right now. I only drive when It is very necessary. Like going to work when I can not get a ride or running into John Herrs for some Hot dogs.

So on the way home from John Herrs today. I could not stop looking in the rear view mirror at this snapperhead that was trying to read the cereal number on my back bumper! It probably would not have been so bad if I would not have noticed her on the cell phone while she was changing the radio station and stuffing her fat face with a bagel or donut!! She is ever so lucky that I do not have a license or I would've slammed on the E-Brake just to watch her fat face smash into her windshield!!

I feel much better now that I got that off of my chest!!!!!

Road Rage Pecker

funny video

I do not understand why sometimes the video I download goes on and sometimes not? I finally changed the Favre final pass of last year.

You get a chance check out the goldfish video on the top- if it fucking pops up? (pretty f.f!)

Peace

My bi-weekly work update

U.P.S spent lots of money on a new small sort conveyor belt and it went into affect on Monday. It is suppose to help cut man hours and save us lots of money. Today was the third day we used it and when we got done with the preload it was damn near 9 am. Hope they do not put a second small sort belt in- the drivers will not make any of their required Next day Air times at that rate, and we will go bankrupt!

I have to laugh when I walk past the new system @ 6 am when I am on my 6 am bathroom break. And I noticed that their are 6 supervisors watching 5 workers busting their butt to keep caught up. You know that as soon as the half dozen a-holes take off. Shit is going to get all backed up and we will eventually go back to the old system which worked just fine!

Injury update- Alex "Turtle" Berchard is on the D.L. Rumor has it that he sprained his trigger finger when he was playing his newest video game? Good news is that he did get high score!

Fantasy Baseball update

CBS had some news on one of my fantasy players. The player was a relief pitcher from the Chicago White Sox Bobby Jenks. For any of you familiar with baseball players know that he is the closer for his team and only has to pitch the ninth inning on games where his team is winning by 3 runs or less going into the last inning. He is also a little bit on the heavy side and probably could only pitch one inning as it looks like he would not be in any shape to do anything other than that.

The update from CBS said that Jenks was not available for Sundays game because of some soreness? One of the die hard fantasy owners that can comment on the site posted-

He had a sore stomach from eating to many hot dogs in between innings! Suck it up, take a tums and get in their and pitch fat ass!!

I really enjoy seeing that other geeks out there take this fantasy sports shit as serious as I do!!

E.H

Hotter than Hell

My central air is not working right now. And my armpits now smell like an onion sub with extra onion!

Damn the kids make me laugh!

I had to go see my Probation officer yesterday. So I had the wife and kids run me into the wonderful city. I had them park about 2 blocks away from where I was going so that they could wait for me at the fractured prune. It is this donut shop that serves 100's of different sweet flavors while the donut is still warm. They loved it! My wife got a nutter butter which was the best donut she ever ate. One kid got oreo cookie and the other snickers. When we were heading home- my oldest said- Hey daddy, when is your next meeting in the city?

Last week we were getting ready for my cousins wedding and I was putting on one of my 2 suits that I own. And as I was putting on the tie, my youngest daughter says, Hey daddy, it looks like you are getting ready to go to court.

I love my sweet little angels- they are so funny and they dont even know it.

R.I.P- R.I.P R.I.P

I was never a huge fan of Roy. I always wanted him to retire and leave U.P.S. But I never wished him to exit our company the way he did. I hope that some of the older guys will learn from Roy and retire when they are 57. You do not need to collect your pension and Social Security at the same time! Enjoy your golden years! I know that i do not want to work right up until my last day on this earth!

R.I.P Roy Roy- Many will miss you and Nobody will ever forget you.

Poor Vending Machine Guy

Today at work the funniest thing happened. Pat Moyer made one of her usual trips to the vending machine for her frito lay fix. Only things went very sour instead of the salty experience that she is use to. (that phrase might also be used for a porn star as well?)

When she made her entry for her corn chips, she encountered the ever so dreadful hanger. There she stood eye to eye with her snack just waiting for it to fall. We all know what happens next- you shake the hell out of the machine or you plug another $.75 cents in there and get double the pleasure. I would've thought and anybody that knows her would think the same that she would chose the later of the two. I guess she must of been out of cash, because she went with shake the machine like a big blonde mama bear. Not only did she shake it- but she threw her shoulder into it and broke the glass. She got a nice cut out of the whole mess and is now going to give the vending machine guy a red card!

I heard that right after it broke- Travis, Big White, Simone & Rocky, and Tommy all looted the machine and made out pretty good.

When all our snacks go up in price, we know who we have to thank for it!! Thanks Mrs. Safety!

Not always easy riding shotgun!

Since I do not have a damn drivers license right now, my lovely wife drove the family up to the mountains last week. She is so damn cute, but she scares the hell out of me when she drives, especially on long trips. I think she has a tendency to drift off and daydream about whatever is on her beautiful mind.(I have to say some nice stuff just in case she reads this!)

I now know why they put all the little strips on the side of the highways. You know the ones that make your tires hum when you run over them so that if you fall asleep while driving you can wake up and get back on the road. Well, my wife hits them about every 5 minutes when she is not driving down the center of the turnpike. And when she does hit them, sometimes it is like she is having a contest to see how long she can stay on them? I also am bothered when she tells me that she thinks the brakes are bad and they are making a squeaking sound. Then not 2 minutes later she speeds up to a red light and slams them on!! I guess she is just testing them out to see how bad they are? If I put my hand on the dashboard to brace myself she yells at me and says "are you being a wise guy or what?" I tell her that I am just bracing myself so that the seatbelt does not snap my neck!

The best part of the trip was when we got off the turnpike at the fort littleton exit. Whenever I get off at that exit I will always remember this one time for as long as I live.(which may not be much longer if I do not get my license back soon!) Hot Mama Busch does about 60 down the ramp as she approaches a curve with a yield sign because of vehicles getting off the turnpike from the other direction. It is not a heavy traffic area as the population is thin in that area and we do rarely even see any cars coming from that direction. But this time was different as their was a pick-up truck coming and to me it looked like it would meet our van at the curve with the yield sign at the same time. Since I could see that she was not looking, I yelled "Truck!!!" My wife looks- slows down- speeds up while still looking at the truck- almost missed the curve but not the cattle shoot- and then swerves to avoid the concrete barrier at the last second. Meanwhile our whole load of supplies in the back shifted and went everywhere and she has the nerve to say- "you did not load that stuff very good" Meanwhile- I am having trouble breathing and I put my hand on my heart as I am trying to gather myself before we have to pay our toll charge- and she then says- "Quit being a drama queen!" Great, not only is she scaring the shit out of me- now she is stealing lines from me that I use on her and the kids!!!

Venda tells me that she drives better when I am not in the Van with her. I make her nervous and am always giving her a hard time when she almost wrecks. I hope she does drive better when I am not with her- I can not imagine her driving any worse! (unless she was oriental?)

I must just be one lucky S.O.B when I am riding shotgun. Maybe Jesus is sitting on my lap? That might explain why the seatbelt is so damn uncomfortable!!

Keep on Truckin!! E.H

Funny Quote of the day

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat & drop it?

Steven Wright

Classic Joke Time

A dog, Cat, and Penis were sitting around the campfire. The dog says, "my owner treats me awful! He walks me to a fire hydrant and makes me do my business on it." The cat responds, "that is nothing, my owner makes me do my business in a litter box that I am lucky if he cleans out once a week!" The penis says, "I got both you cry babies beat! My owner tightly wraps my head with a bag and makes me do push ups until I throw up!"

U.P.S update

Sorry Tony that I do not have much to report this week. And next week I am on vacation, so I will have no report at all. I plan on taking a sick personal day tomorrow since that is my usual M.O to take the friday b4 vacation off. I am a fucking creature of habit, that is for sure.

We did move all the mez shit to the top of the red belt. So now instead of door 14 getting slammed, the whole bottom half of the sort aisle gets punished! So if you sort 11 or 12, it is like sorting door 14 with an unloader! I had our fearless leader Rob King(who I actually respect as a boss.) come up to the sort aisle to see what the problem was after I shut things down. I told him that I would love to see his fat ass sort two unloaders and the damn returns at door 11. J.H.Christ I am only one person! His response was "thank God their is only one of you!" He is lucky that I respect him so much or I would've sorted him to the brown belt and when he got jammed up- I would've broke the jam in the usual way with my steel tip boots!!

On a lighter note- actually I guess I should say on the same note- Alex(Turtle, not fat part-time supervisor Alex) asked me why I always make fun of him like a jackass? I asked him, "how do you know how I make fun of Jackasses?"

Happy Memorial day to all you hot dog eating champs out there,

Peace, E.H

Carnival season

Carnivals are great. The difference between a Carnival and an amusement park is the special people that work at each place. The price of the rides are about the same, even though the carnival rides are very cheesy! Sometimes the food at the carnival is better than the amusement park food depending on where you are. But like I stated earlier, it is the people that make a difference. I am thinking that carnival workers(or carnies as some may say) they do not have a good dental plan if one at all? They also might not have hot water in their RV's that they travel around in from town to town. But if you catch them in just the right mood as you're getting on one of the rides that they are in charge of that night, they might smile at you, blow some cigarette smoke in your direction and pat your kid on the butt as they help them on the best 20 second ride in town. Some day when I retire, I may just look into being a carnie for one summer. Just for the experience. I think I could blend in pretty good and make some new friends. Probably even get enough material from the experience that I could write a book about it? Somebody remind me of this plan in 15-20 years in case I forget.

E.H

U.P.S update for Tony w.t.f. Shuck

Alex tried to give the vending machine guy a red card today because his hoagie had to many onions on it and only 1 pack of mayo!

Tommy is Pat Moyers right hand man.

Alex(turtle) is still slow and lazy. (hence turtle)

That is all for now. Hope you are adjusting well to just working one job and playing in your country western band.

Later, E.H

Restroom Literature at the bar

"Please do not throw toothpicks in the Urinals, crabs can pole vault"

Prove it- ok

My youngest daughter says, "Sabrina is mean, she is always so mean!" And I says, "Hey she takes after her mom." And my wife says, "You shut up! Why do you have to be such a jerk and say something stupid like that?" And I says, "see what I mean?"

Where ya been Handcock?

I have been a little busy fulfilling my requirements to the state for the D.U.I that I received a little over 2 years ago. Holy Shit! Has it been that long. I guess my lawyer drug his feet on the whole thing as long as the system would allow us to. I now am in the middle of serving my driving suspension and paying all the damn fines. I magically escaped the 72 hours in jail and only got 72 hours in house arrest. Anybody who knows my wife, knows that I have that every 3 days!!

But out of all the fun stuff that you get to do- the funnest is without a doubt the interesting people you get to meet when you have the educational classes on drugs and alcohol. I started those a month ago. Every Wednesday from 12:30pm-3:30pm. There were 24 of us at the first class. We were required to go to 4 classes. The cost was like $150. If you were late or missed any class or showed up under the influence you would lose your money and have to take them over again and repay.

When we completed our final class last Wednesday. There were 11 of us that got our Graduation Certificate. There were 12 at the beginning of the class, but the one guy did not pass the breathalizer test that they gave him and they took him away. Some of my fellow classmates really made me feel good about myself. There were many funny stories to share and they seemed to like sharing them. I know the class inspired me to give a thank you speech when I got my diploma. It went something like this...............

I would like to thank everybody who made this possible for me. Judge Miller and the wonderful DA. My Lawyer and his team. The Manor Twp. police force. Miller Brewing Company. And I would not want to forget my drunken grandfathers who passed down their genetics to me. You all helped in your special way and I will never forget that! Thank you, thank you very much!

The instructor did not appreciate my sense of humor and said that it almost sounded like I got nothing from her class.

Later

Funny Kid Quote+Dad and Moms response

My six year old just told me that she is the goodest in her class at counting.

I told her that was great, but to bad that your English is as good as a Mexicans.

My wife yelled- "Knock it off!!!"

Fantasy Update

Peckerhead is not doing great but still has a shot to win the week in the basement bum league.

Sailor Jerry has a 40 point lead and looks like they have it wrapped up in the Hair Pie inc. League

Extra Mushrooms is up by 25 with lots of starting pitchers to go yet- game over in the fighting amish league!

And my favorite because my roster is loaded with Phillies, the Crappy Crappers are all tied up at 178-178. I feel confident that I will win this match-up as well.

I will probably win the later 3 and lose with Peckerhead which is my money league!!

Oh well- it is just one week with many, many weeks to go! I will persevere at the end and finish in the money!!

Winning a fantasy championship is the second hardest thing to do. Coming in second sucks!! For me- coming in last would be the hardest thing to ever do! In a 12 team league- how could I ever let 11 other owners finish in front of me. If I ever let that happen- I think it would be time to retire from fantasy sports!

Editors note- all leagues are head to head. It really is the only way to go!

E.H

Monday- Monday

I lost a day somewhere? I was walking around at one point today thinking that it was Monday when it is actually Tuesday. I think that part of the reason for this is that Tuesday is sort of just like doing Monday all over again! Both days suck for the most part and are very similar! During football season it is not quite as bad because you have the Monday night game to get ready for and all the great memories of the games the day before! I have trouble getting jacked up for Dancing with the sucky stars and American puke Idol! At least it is now baseball season and I can look forward to watching my Phillies almost every evening. 1 game down 161 until they start their run for a 3rd World Series! If anybody can get a hold of Phillies World Series tix. please let me know.

Tomorrow is get over the Fucking Hump day.

I know one thing- I am ready for a sick day and then I know it will be Friday!

Later

Fantasy baseball

My fantasy baseball draft is 11 hours away. Ohh- I think it just moved and is getting slightly hard. Should be fully erect as I awake in the morning!

There are 2 seasons- Winter, and Baseball!

March Madness

I noticed that I made 13 entries in March. 14 now- Must have had a lot of stupid shit in my head that I needed to release. I feel much better now. I may go back in M.I.A on the Comfortably Dumb stuff since fantasy baseball is going to take up much of my valuable time.

Tomorrow is a special holiday for all of us Bullshitters! (April 1st) So be ready not to believe a gosh darn thing that anybody says!

I already heard a rumor out at work that our Manager that got bit by her Jack Russell is coming back on April 1st. Somebody was working in advance on that A.Fools joke!

Gotta go- My wife is away with the kids and some beautiful blonde is knocking at my door. I think her red corvette broke down in front of my house. Looks like she needs to use our shower.(okay, I am just getting ready a little early!)

E.H

Handcock saying of the day

Be careful not to throw stones at a glass house unless you are trying to kill two birds with one stone and your dumb ass misses both birds and hits the glass house instead.

Deep Thoughts, E.H

Steeler Pride

We all know about all the trouble the Steelers QB Big Ben has been getting into. Next to Tiger Woods he is the most famous troubled man in sports these days. And now the Steelers have another player that got into a little trouble. Santonio Holmes who is not unfamiliar with run ins with the law, just had another minor incident about 2 weeks ago. I say minor because after mentioning Tiger and Big Ben in the same breath, Santonio seems like his is more on the same level as not paying a parking ticket!

Turns out that Santonio was at a night club and threw his drink at this chick. One article that I read said that he threw the glass and beverage at her and she got a little cut on her face?

He was pretty street smart about the whole thing when questioned about it by reporters, he said that he did not know what they were talking about? Somebody did however over hear him tell his bodyguard- "What the Fu*k is the big deal! It is not like I took her into the baffroom and treated her like my own mother fuck*n cum urinal!!"

E.H

I'm gonna knock you out!

A co-worker was telling me that her daughters friends dog punched her. It sounded pretty funny and even funnier when she said that the dog was a boxer. This girl does not really joke around much. So I believe her that the Boxer Breed got its name for this very reason. They stand up on their hind legs and swing away when they get excited! I'm thinking the dogs name was Sugar Ray, Tyson, Ali, or Rocky(how original that would probably be?)

It was a punch that she will never forget. She said that it was harder than her husband or boyfriend ever hit her. (just kidding) (they do not hit her at all.)

Road Kill follow up

Maybe the guy gets really trashed and has a thing for animals. He may have not believed the opossum was really dead. He could have been like- come on and pucker up possy poss, I know you are just playing around and just acting like your dead. Give me some sugar and quit playing hard to get!!!

Public Drunk & Road Kill

Police: Drunk man tried to revive opossum

PUNXSUTAWNEY (AP)

-Police say they charged a Pennsylvania man with public drunkeness after he was seen trying to resusciatate a long-dead opossum along a highway.

State police Trooper Jamie Levier says several witnesses saw 55-year-old Donald Wolfe, of Brookville, near the animal Thursday along Route 36.

The trooper said another saw Wolfe attempting to give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. Levier says the animal already had been dead a while.

I just read this in the Saturday morning paper. How disturbing is this? If there was ever a reason or a sign from God for somebody to stop drinking, I think Donny Wolfe just got it! Kissing dead road kill is not the most normal thing to do even if you are shit faced wasted! It is embarrassing enough to get a public drunkeness. I know from experience! At least I was just walking down the middle of the road and cursing at the police and questioning their sexual preferences! I can live with that- Interacting with road kill is just a little sick in whatever sense we are talking about!

I was trying to put myself in Mr. Wolfes shoes and try to figure out what he was thinking in his fucked up state of mind. The only thing I could come up with was that maybe he thought it was the famous Punxsutawney ground hog and it was still moving around a little(as every object he looked at was doing!) and he was going to be a hero and bring this animal back to life? Unfortunately that was not the case and now this guy is probably going to have to move to another time zone or at least out of state!

I actually enjoyed reading this article because as much as I like to drink and have done stupid things in the past. It is good to know that there is somebody out there doing even stupider stuff! Thanks Donald Wolfe! You're still not my hero though.

Sincerely, E.H

Tough Love!

The other night once the kids went to bed and me and the wife had some down time we started talking about what would happen if one of us were to kick the bucket. I think we saw previews for that movie the bucket list and it got us rolling on the subject. My bucket list is real simple- Being the huge Phillie fan that I am, I just want to travel with them for one full season and hit every road stadium. I think that would be one hell of a summer!! A little expensive, but well worth it! I also want to hit Vegas sometime in the near future. Who knows, maybe that will pay for my baseball adventure?

My wife did not really have much of a bucket list. She sort of had the same one as me, since somebody would have to travel with me and make sure that I do not get in any trouble. That would be her job as usual.

I also told my wife that I want her to sell all my shit right away if anything happens to me. She asked why? And I told her- I am sure that she would re-marry and that I do not want some other asshole using all my stuff! She wanted to know why I thought she would find another asshole to marry?

Later gator, E.H

Last post- Lawyers

Damn I drink to much! I vaguely remember writing that last post. I just read it and was thinking towards the end of the entry, what the hell am I talking about? I seem to always talk shit about Oprah when I am hitting the hard stuff! Maybe secretly, I have a huge crush on her? If I am going to fantasize about a big girl, I wish I could focus on somebody else. Hey smart asses from work- Not that one girl that does look ups either!!! You know who I am talkin about! Just do not go there! Thanks

All you can eat, E.H

Lawyers

When I saw my one lawyer the other day, he told me that I probably would not have to be present for the next court hearing.

My lawyer that is in charge of the civil suit is a very nice guy. My Lawyer that is in charge of the criminal suit is also a good guy and very professional.

How cool is it that I have two lawyers? I feel like a sports star or a politician!!

The only difference between me and them is that I am more innocent!!

I plead the fifth your honor!! but let me just tell you that I only drank 10 beers and smoked 2 joints!! I also had sex with one prostitute and gave her some crack for payment. But that was all I was guilty of that evening. So I would like to plead the fifth now. thank you, thank you very much. Did anybody ever tell you that you look like Oprah? Before she lost all the weight.

E.H

????????

If a fat girl falls in the woods, do the trees laugh?

Co-workers say the meanest things to other co-workers

I got a kick out of Big White the other day at work. Big White of course is Jeff Lee. He got the nickname from Joe. It was not a very tough one to come up with since Jeff Lee is a huge white guy!

So on with the story. Big White was sorting for Simone. At least he was trying his hardest to sort for Simone. It was a heavy flow and things were not going very well for Big White. Just as a big heavy box of small plastic pieces of something went all over the red belt and shut the system down. All the belts were off and things got sort of quiet. B.W yells over to Simone- "You send one more Fucking open box over here and I'm gonna come over there and punch you in your big fat retarded head!!!" Anybody who knows the persons head that Big White wants to punch knows how funny this is because it is true. His head is extremely large, it is of unproportionate status. He hardly ever wears a hat because I do not think that he can find one that will fit his head. He wears those knit caps and they just do not look right. The cap is all lumpy and looks uncomfortable atop his big melon. I have a buddy J.Dooley that has a nice size head and Simone makes his head look small!

With all that said. I do not think that it was necessary for B.W to add all the adjectives in front of head. That was just plain mean. Even Simone who never shuts up, just stood there with a dumb look on his face. White could've gotten away with just saying "I'm gonna punch you in the head" He did not need to add big fat and retarded! I think he crossed the line and I did tell him that. He just laughed and said that he was as harmless as Lenny in the classic "Of Mice and Men".

Wait a minute- I kind of remember Lenny killing a farm girl in that story?

Keep on Truckin, E.H

A Joke about Fleas

2 Fleas were in a pussy. One flea was a burglar and one was addicted to drugs. How can you tell them apart?

Easy, the burglar flea was hiding in the bush and the druggy flea was sniffing crack!

I love it when Joe tells me stupid corny jokes!

Facebook

I think my favorite part about facebook is making fun of it.

Sometimes I have to laugh when some kid from first grade wants to be my friend on facebook. We were not friends in Elementary school, what makes the chump think that things have changed 30 years later?

Some people get very offended if you say they spend a lot of time on facebook. If you have facebook set up on your cell phone so that you do not miss out on what one of your closest 759 friends are doing every minute, you may spend to much time on FB as the regulars like to call it.

If your kids are being bad and you do not get off the computer to spank their butts and you just yell and holler at them from your desk- you may spend to much time on FB.

Some FB activities include Farmville, Mafia Wars and Texas Hold'em Poker. Whenever I get invited to join any of that stuff I am fair across the board and decline.

I think that Farmville is where you get Acres and Acres of land and crops and barns and animals and then you have to take care of the farm. You can invite facebook friends to help you plow the fields and feed the animals I think? I think I would rather spend my computer time on Fantasy Baseball, Soliditare and Porn!!!! Thanks anyway.

My ultimate goal for facebook is to say something so obscene that I get kicked off the site for life. I just hope that happens before they start charging $3.99 a month! You gotta have goals and I think this is one that I can reach sometime in the near future. I am not sure how funny my wife will think it is? Especially since she has a facebook reputation to uphold! Unlike me.

Can't we all just be facebook friends?

E.H.Cock

Movie Review (The Informant)

The previews made this Matt Damon film look like it might be a pretty cool flick to check out. Or at least that is what my dumbass thought! I do not know what made me more pissed off, the fact that I spent five bucks to watch it On Demand or that I stuck with it for the 102 minutes!! Plain and simple- It Fucking Sucked! It dragged and was very boring in several spots- (the beginning, middle, and end!) The couple funny preview highlights that I thought made the movie look like it might be funny were just funny in the previews! By the time the movie got to those one liners you were already ready for them and they were not that funny anymore.

So on a five star scoring system- I would have to give this film 0 stars

I would've been better off watching Undercover Boss or playing a game of checkers with the wife!!

E.H

Church Bulletin II

Next Sunday night. There will be a special sermon on "What is Hell". Come early and listen to the Church Choir.

Church Bulletin

There will be a bean supper on Tuesday night. Music will follow the dinner.

Wheel of Fortune

I always thought that Pat Sajak(sp?) was a faggot. The last episode that I just watched he confirmed that feeling. There was this one puzzle that the answer was- Hugh Jackson as Wolverine. And Pat says, "And I am Pat as Gerbal." How gay was that? He always thinks that he is so funny that I think he was just trying to be funny and came across as a Homo!

Oh well, I knew that I should've just watched Trebek!!!!!!!!!

Jay Leno

The winners of the superbowl each got $82,000 & the losers each got a new Toyota.

Not in the mood. Excuses and Comebacks to those excuses.

Here is my top ten list. I could've probably made a top 20 list, but I will stick to some of my favorites.

10. I got a headache(classic)*********** I don't wanna fuck your head!

9. I'm really not in the mood********** I'm in the mood enough for the both of us!!!

8. My monthly friend is visiting******* Cool, sounds like a threesome in the making!

7. My back is hurting************** I don't wanna fuck your back!

6. I'm not taking off my clothes, it is cold in here!***Did I ever tell you how pretty your mouth is?

5. I got a real heavy flow.***** Kiss my grits, sounds like a bloody threesome!!

4. I' m very gassy. *** I got a stick of dynamite, lets try to blow up the couch!!!

3. I did not take a shower.**** Thats fine, I planned on stinking you up anyway!

2. You drank to much and you will take forever!*** Baby, you're so hot, you know that is not true! I love you so much, you are so awesome! A great person, mom, wife and person! I would do anything for you because you are so awesome! And Hot! Come on Baby, lets make sweet love! You are awesome!

1. I got lots of stuff to do.***** That shit can't wait for 5 minutes? JUST FUCK ME ALREADY!!!

I should send this top ten list into the Letterman show!

E.H

Just the damn wholesale club!!

My wife yells to me from the other room- Hey do you wanna go to BJ's before the kids get home from school? I got so excited that I almost crapped myself! Turns out that I did not hear the whole question in its entirety and thought that she was asking something else!!!

I was a little upset after my queen explained to me that she just wanted to go for soap and paper plates and she was not interested in pleasing my ding dong. I told her that I am spending $40 a year to shop at that wholesale club and that maybe somebody should be sucking my big D.D.!!!

Sincerely, E.H

A very mean joke!

I can not believe that I am even copying this one from my joke site. But for all of you wife haters out there(Not Me!) Here it goes......

A Woman is like a deck of cards-

You need a heart to love one

A diamond to marry one

A club to smash ones head in

And a spade to bury the bitch.

Pick up lines

I just read about 50 pick up lines that you can use on the whores out at the bar. I however do not go to the bars and I do not try to pick women up anymore since I am usually happily married. But if I were to use any of the lines that I just looked over...... I think my favorite was this one-

I would like to passionately kiss your lips, and work my way up to your belly-button.

That one is gold!! Maybe I just liked it because it was one of the few that I have not already heard?

Is that a mirror in your pants? I can see myself in them.

If you were a car door I would be slamming you all night.

Why don't you sit on my lap and we'll see what pops up.

If you were a keg, I would tap your ass.

I'm new in town and lost, can I have directions to your house?

All classics, but I think most of your trashy women have heard them all. Sometimes I think you are better off by being honest and just buying the girl a drink or two- tell her that you are trying to get her buzzed so that she might lower her standards and hook up with you.

My other favorite line was- Nice shirt, Wanna Fuck? (I will use this line on my wife next time she wears that blue trash smurf tank top!)

E.H

Joke

What will Bill Clinton always be remembered for?

He was always after Bush.

My 10 year old nephew told the family(grandmothers included!) that joke last night at my daughters birthday party. Not everybody got it, but I thought it was hilarious!!!

Macgruber

If you got to see Charles Barkley on SNL last week, then you know that the funniest skits were the Macgruber ones. If you like Macgruber, you may be happy to know that the Movie Macgruber comes out April 13th. It looks pretty freakin funny.

I just put the trailer on the video section of this blog. I hated to take down the dildo song(hopefully everybody had a chance to see that one) My favorite line in the preview is about the upper decker in the master bathroom.

Punky Brewster.

Later, GO COLTS!!!!!!!!

Check her out and let me know what you think?

Check out the hot young girl pictured right below the Spongebob pic.

Let me know if she looks familiar?

Clue #1- She had her own tv show when she was a kid. It was not a huge hit even though I think that Tommy has both seasons on DVD!

She has got big balls or..........

I like to glance through the police/fire log in the local newspaper every now and then to see if any of my friends or relatives got themselves in any trouble. As we get older and more mature, I do not hit the jackpot as much as I did years ago. Probably because most of us just stay at home and we party with our immediate family if at all? At least that is what I do so that I am not reading about myself!

I did however read a funny one this morning that I will share with you.

Manheim Twp.: A sixth-grade girl at Neff Elementary School was charged before juvenile authorities with stealing her principal's $199 iPhone while in his office for another matter on Dec 15. The phone was later found at her home.

Now I have to admit that I was not an angel in School. I was in the principal's office quite a few times as a kid. Most of my trips occurred when I hit high school. It was usually a lot of, "now you better staighten out Mr.!! I am tired of seeing you and if you do not straighten out- there will be serious consequences to pay!

Regardless of why I was trouble, I was always a little nervous. Maybe I was afraid that my parents would find out? Or that my preppy girlfriend might break up with me?(she was a slut anyway!) Maybe that I was going to get a Red mark on my record and not be able to get a good job?(I showed Penn Manor!!)

Either way I never thought about stealing anything from the office when I was there! That girl must have big balls or she is mentally retarded if she did not think she was going to get caught. I just wander which it is? Is she the most popular crazy kid in school? Or is she Half Amish- Half Polish? Is her Grandpap and Dad the same person?

Food for Thought- E.H

Movie quote or sports quote?

"I'm here to kick ass & chew bubble gum, and I'm all out of bubble gum."

I can not remember where I heard this line from? Anybody knows- help me out.

Thanks, E.H