U.P.S

What can brown do for you?

They can give me a sore back & balls & make me tired 6 days a week!!

Luckily we get a shitload of sick and personal time off- unfortunatly I only have -1 day left.  Soon to be -2 days!!

Happy Holidays to all,

E.H

Bitter divorce

I just read about the guy who dressed up as Santa and crashed his ex-in-laws x-mas eve party.  Anybody that is familiar with the story has to be thinking sort of what I was.  Divorce really can affect the whole family!!  This nut bag was just about on the same level of crazy as the guy who terrorized the amish school.  There is no reason for anybody to do what he did- but I surely do hope that his ex-wife was the biggest bitch in California and treated him to much mental abuse during their break up!  If you can find any bright spot in the whole case-  At least no lawyers are going to get rich because of it.

I guess our Christmas was pretty damn good!  Hope everybody else had a decent holiday and are planning to have a safe new years!

Love,  E.H

Just another dumb joke

What do you say to the boy that is skating on thin ice?

Hope you can swim dumbass!!

My Mama said

The other day my mother & wife were talking about home cooking, and my mom told my lovely wife that a way to a mans heart is through his stomach.  I told mommy that I think she is aiming a little high.  Mom said, "huh, what do you mean"  I said, "never mind, maybe dad can explain it to you later."  Then my better half said, "you are weird and stupid!"  

Eric "fix me a midnight snack" Handcock

Joe Spiese Jokes

The black people got Obama for Christmas- The white people got O.J.

A man and woman were riding in an elevator together and the man asked, "can I smell your pussy?The woman replied, "you most certainly can not!"  The man then responded, "sorry, must be your feet."

The little boy asked his mom, "mommy why am I black?"  The mom says, "please lets not go there, after that party, you can just be glad that you do not bark and have a tail!"

Dirty forwarded emails

My buddy Andy forwards me X-rated emails all the time.  I really enjoy some of the videos and the wide variety of material that I recieve.  The Christmas breast wishes card was actually compliments of Andy and his buddy.  I just really need to be aware of where my children are when I open his mail.  I had a very close call the other day when I opened the banana smoothie video!  I do not think my wife would like hearing from our 5 and 6 year old daughters that daddy is watching a lady on the computer shoving a banana up her pee hole and butt hole at the same time!!!!!!

Crazy Nan Handcock

Since I am on vacation this week, and my 87 year-old  grandmother needed a new area rug for her apartment.  I thought that it would be nice to take her out shopping and get her a rug as an early X-mas present.  At least then I knew that it would not be a gift that would be sold in her annual spring yard sale.  And it would be one less gift that I will have to go shopping for on Dec.23rd!   So we went out for breakfast and then to 4 different stores before she found one that she liked.  Then we returned a sweatshirt that she got for my dad for his birthday that probably would not have fit my oldest daughter.  Then we went shopping for a new sweatshirt.  Then we went out for lunch.  The day was starting to get long and I was starting to get thirsty for a high powered adult beverage!!   Just then my crazy Nan Handcock made the whole day all worth while with the quote or saying of the day.  As I was driving the mini van down Rt.30 she says,  out of the blue,  "The sons of bitches said they raised the price of Milk, eggs, and bread,  because of high gas prices.  Well the gas has gone down and the price of everything is still through the goddamn roof!!   Why is that?  Why?  I just dont get it,  this country aint like it used to be!!   Why??  I hope that there Obomber fixes this goddamn mess that were in!!

I just laughed out loud a little and laughed inside a lot!!  I did not know what to say, other than-  "You nailed the nail right on the head Nan,  They're all just a bunch of Sons of Bitches!!!"

Love, Eric grandsoncock

Another Bush Joke

The Vice President Cheney walked into the oval office to find the President whooping and Hollering.

Dick asked Bush what the hell is going on?

The president said, " I'm just happy boss, I done did finished a jigsaw puzzle in record time!"

How long did it take you?

Well the box said 3-5 years,  but I did it in 1 month!!!

A stranger likes me?

Gooooooood  Girl commented on my cheesy joke post and said that she liked my blog.  I'm so flattered and was very surprised to see how hot she is.  I may have to try to have one of those there internet relationships with her.  I'm gonna tell her that if we set a meeting place and she shows up- she better be at least 18 years old and if not the 60 minutes or Dateline hidden cameras better not be there!!!

I just need to log onto her address for more info about her-  I think it said that she could be reached at www.fulltiltpoker.com?   Cool,  I wonder if I am the only guy she is interested in and what attracted her to me??

I will keep you all posted on how our relationship works out.   P.S- do not tell my wife!!!   I posted a picture of my new girlfriend at the top right off the page.   SSSHHHHH!!!!!!!

Eric Handjob

another cheesy joke

One day a little boy wrote to Santa and said, "all I want for Christmas is a little baby sister."

Santa wrote back to him and said, "no problem, send me your mommy!"

I have to take a whisper

One Sunday in church, this little boy said to his mom, "mommy I have to take a piss!"  His mom said, "son, please do not say piss in church, say whisper instead!"

The following Sunday, he told his dad that he had to take a whisper, and his dad told him to whisper in his ear.

Obama Jokes

To think that I was upset about Bush being done because I had fun with all the G.W.Bush jokes. About him being so stupid and all.  As stupid as he was, he was in office for 2 terms, and who put him there?  So I can not help but to think who is really stupid, especially when I hear some of the jokes about our new soon to be president.  I did not say I did not think that they were funny.  I just said that some of them are pretty stupid.

Attention all white people- report to the cotton field. (I think any white person with a cell phone got this text!)

How can 1 black guy run the country?  When 10 of them cannot run a Mcdonalds.

The new quarter- Washington is half black- I got this one on my phone and on the computer!

Hey Nigga!  Its called the white house!!   (that one is just plain nasty!)

One text I saw was just a picture of the white house, and in the front yard was a bucket of KFC and a broken watermelon.  The funniest part of it was that the theme music for the text was Sanford and Son.

How do you keep Obama out of your back yard?  Hang him in your front yard.

As I hear more jokes- I will post them.  Only if they are in very bad taste and stupid will I even waste my time.  To be fair to the Republican party- I'm sure there would've been a few good ones out there about the old man and his bitch V.P as well!!!

Love,  E.H.C

I just texted to say I Love You!

Several weeks ago I performed a small gesture that I thought would help keep our marriage fresh and let my wife know that I can be spontanious and mix things up a bit.  

I was bored at work, so I thought I would send her a text message on the ole cell phone.  It went something like this.

Hey Honey,  I'm bored right now at work and I do not have any magazines or a newspaper, so I was just thinking of you and thought that I would send you a text just to say that I love you!  You are a great mom and a good wife.  I'm lucky to have you as a soul mate.  I can not believe that we are coming up on a 10 year anniversary.  It seems like just yester.....   sorry gotta go!  Looks like there is no toilet paper in this stall!!  This sucks,  I wish you were here right now so that you could throw me a roll!!   C-ya  Luv E

November 4th- Take the Fucking Far Left Lane!

We have been traveling down the far right lane for the last 8 years!  It really is time for change! Anybody that seen even 3 minutes of any debate should know in there hearts who the right MAN is for the job.  I hope that when those levers are pulled tommorrow, that the American people look past the color of the skin, look past the parties, and look past the name.  Just because their daddies, grandpaps, and daddies grandpaps voted straight Republican, does not mean that they have too also.  My dad always said that Charlie Manson could run on the Republican ticket in Lancaster and he would win the county.  I felt very confident that George W. would not get back in for a second term,  I hope that he does not get a third term or I may never vote again and lose all faith in our wonderful nation!!!

Sorry that I have been M.I.A. from writing any posts lately.  The world series took up a lot of my time and energy.  Burned a few sick & personal days because of it.  It was well worth it, like I always say- work is overrated!  More importantly, like Chase Utley said in front of 40,000 at the parade- World Fucking Champs!!!!  I now have to go out and buy a Chase jersey!  He really is one of us-  by the way, he supports the young guy in the election tommorrow!

If you are tired of being in the red-  just Vote blue.

Politically incorrect,  E.Handcock

Funny Phone Call

My caller I.D let me know that the Republican party was on the line waiting to feed me a line of shit!  So I was ready, when I picked up with a cheerful- Hey what up?

Them:    McCain & Palin party would like to ask you a few questions, got a few minutes?

Me:  Sure, fire away

Them:  Will you support the McCain/Palin ticket in the coming election?

Me:  Probably not,  I've been a Teamster for 20 years now and I'm not sure how McCain feels about Labor Unions and middle class America.

Them:  Thank you for your time-  Bye,  (hang up)

That was easy enough,  I wonder why they did not want to ask me any more questions?

More dumb jokes

Whats the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?          40 minutes

Whats the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?      40 pounds

change please

Trying times call for trying change!!

Breasts & Candy

That worked!  I got everybodies attention.  Sometime in October go out and purchase some of those pink and white M&Ms!!  It is a great cause and the jewish candymaker is actually donating 50 cents for each bag sold for breast cancer research.  So you know your fat ass is going to eat junk anyway, so why not help out a good cause!!  I'm gonna get my wife and kids several bags and when I explain to my wife that I'm doing it for a good cause, I may get to give her a breast exam!!!  And do some of my own research.

Thank you in advance,  for not being a cheap tightwad asshole!

Eric "meltinmymouth,not my" Handcock

VPILF

My favorite part of the Vice President debate last night was when Palin corrected Joe and said that it is not drill, drill, drill, it is just drill baby!! I'd like to just drill her!!(VPILF)

One thing is for sure- if we did not know Palin was from Alaska, we know it now! She must of said her home state Alaska at least 200 times!

It will be sad to see Bush and Dick leave office. The jokes just will not be the same!


Vote to Rock,

E.Handcock

Billy Allison Joke

What did the doe say when she came staggering out of the woods?

Last time I do that for 20 Bucks!!!

tshirthell.com

I need to stay off the tshirthell site. I could probably spend $200 on shirts in 5 minutes. I already bought some last year, Walmarx and dont mess with texas tshirt for myself, and a blue trash(smurf) tank top for my wife. I was just checking out some of the new ones they have out as they get ready for election "08".

Two of my favorite political tshirts are- I fucked Sarah Palin- ( by voting for Barack Obama.)
And- Palin "08" ( Restoring Americaa's confidence in Bush)

If I did not have children, I would purchase this one- Yes my T-shirt does say Fuck on it. It also says cunt, twat, and machine washable.

I still remember the receipt that came with the shirts that I got. It said- here is your fucking receipt for your fucking tshirts from Hell! My wife told me that she thought that was the rudest thing ever. I must have a screwed up sense of humor, because I thought it was very funny!

Maybe I will start designing funny t-shirts. I got a bunch of great ideas, or at least I think so?

Love, E.Handcock

Busy Beaver

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Response: Seven Little Kittens

My Buddy was not computer friendly enough to figure out how to leave a comment about the Kitten story. Since he usually has a comment about most things, and had a pretty good one in this situation. I told him I would put his smart ass remark on the site. Hell, the title is comfortably dumb and then some! So why not.


I don't know where to start. First you should start by telling the girls the truth. Your a irresponsible pet owner! You should be neutered for leaving the fucking cats run wild!
Keep them in your house asswipe then they won't die. Second you heartless mutha, you took the only cat that did live to the pound! Didn't have the balls to Kill it yourself? I am amazed your still alive. Hey Jerkoff, get a pet rock!!!

Chris Hollinger


Editors note- The cat that was taken to the Humane League was pissing on the furniture.

7 little kittens

Tiger, Fuzzball, Blacknose, Tiger2, Twinkie, Smokey, and Rainbow. They were the unlucky seven kittens to live here at our house in the last year. 3 of them got run over by traffic, a few of them gotten eaten by foxes we believe? And the last 2 died of some sort of disease or got poisoned?

All I know is that after burying Smokey yesterday. I'm done getting pets for my kids! I can not handle all the crying and sobbing. That was just from me during the burial and the thought of how to break it to the kids. I got tired of telling them that the damn cats keep running away.
So I broke down and told them the truth. I said that they stopped breathing in their sleep and went to kitty heaven. It was sort of the truth- except for the fact that poor Smokey suffered all day long, had shit hanging from her ass and flies all around her as she layed half stiff in our back yard. She was a trooper though. When I dropped her in the hole, she was sort of still breathing right before I smashed a brick on her head. (my wife is against having a gun in the house!)
That was when I started to sob a tad bit. I just hope the neighbors did not see me out in the field putting her out of her misery. If they did, they probably said- Damn the kids must have been really bad- Eric just killed their cat!!!

P.S- This was a true story. I know I joke around a lot- but this really was not a joke. The thing that I do not understand is how people are always saying cats are so damn smart. If that is true- why are we 0-7 in even seeing a kitten grow into a full size cat? I know people that have dogs that are 9, 10, 11, and 12 years old.

R.I.P - Fuzzball, Tiger, Tiger2, Blacknose, Twinkie, Rainbow, and Smokey

Working for the Weekend

My great great grandfather told my dad that a little hard work never killed anybody! When my dad was just a little boy, great great Pap Handcock told my dad that the best polish around was elbow grease. 2 weeks later he was working a 16 hour shift in one of the coal mines and the mine collapsed. All 6 men in the coal mine died instantly.

I guess the moral of this story is that my great great grandpap did not know his asshole from a hole in the ground. Enjoy life!! Work is overrated! Take a hike through the woods, smell the fucking flowers on the way! Piss in a stream!!

If you are not an outdoorsmen, stay at home and watch a movie or sporting event in your underwear on the couch! Just enjoy life to its fullest! Because tomorrow you just never know where you might be!!

Love Marty Macfly

Dumb and then some

I just heard that when President Bush was informed of the Russian invasion of Georgia. His response was, "oh no, that is a real bummer, I got tickets to go see the Mets play in Atlanta next week!! I wonder if the game will be cancelled? After his advisor explained to him that it was not Georgia the state. He became furious and told them that it is so one of the 53 states!!!! We even had a president Johnny Carter come from there.


Ask not what you can do for your country- but what can your country do for you.

Interesting definition?

Straight from New World Dictionary of the American Language.

Puss-(slang) 1.the face *2. the mouth


Boy was I ever way off on that one!!

Phillies Playoff Tix.

I just got the bill in the mail for my Phillies playoff tix. I did not send off a check or credit card number just yet. Part of the reason being the price of the tickets. The 3 playoff games are not real bad, but game 4 of the world series is a little high. We just ran both our oil tanks dry and had them filled last week, so I saw the checkbook take a nice hit. 515 gallons @ $3.24 a gal. You do the math.(Thanks G.Bush, I'm really gonna miss you!!!) I will not get into what the Phillies tix. are going for because I might just end up scalping them to friends and enemies if I do break down and purchase them. If they do not make the postseason all I lose is a $20 handling fee.
I have until Sept.12th to decide. So feel free to let me know what I should do. I already know what I probably will do, I've never been to a baseball game in October, and I'm sure it is the Shit!!!!


Peanuts and Crackerjack, I do not care if I ever come back.

Joke

What does Ray say after having sex??

Thanks Michael

Beach photos

Last month when we were at the beach, I took a few snapshots when I was bored.
My wife thought I was an idiot and that somebody was going to get upset with me for just taking a picture without their permission. I just thought I better download them onto the slideshow before she deleted them. I am not a pro at photography- but my heart was in the right place as you can see from some of the shots!


Say Cheese!

Denver

I just read that Denver is often called the "Mile High City" because it is at a high elevation, or level above sea level. And I always thought it was because they were the first city to legalize you to posses a small amount of marijuana within city limits?

The "Mile High City" is only one of two cities to have eight professional sports teams, the other is the "City of Brotherly Love". I can only imagine that Philadelphia got its nickname because there are so many brothers that live there?

Because Denver is so close to the mountains, activities such as skiing, snowboarding, hiking and biking are popular. A federal study has showed that they have the thinnest residents of any big U.S. city. Because Philly is all flatland, activities like wing eating contests, $1 dog night at the ballgame, tastykake and cheesesteaks before bed every night. They have the fattest residents of any big city.

The cheeseburger, ice-cream soda, and shredded wheat were all invented in Denver. (Makes a lot of sense, I'm sure all three of them are yummy when you're stoned!).

R.I.P- Bill Cody

Horny Bugger

Poor John Edwards. Caught with his hand in the pussy jar. I always liked Edwards and still do. I do not think that it is a big shocker what he just did. Think about it, he use to be a lawyer, and in his younger years, Bill Clinton was his role model.

One thing that bothered me, was when he said that he started to believe that he was special and became increasingly egocentric and narcissistic.

I would've respected him more if he just was honest and said that he was a horny fifty year old male that was not getting any action at home because of his wifes medical condition. Had a few drinks one night with a colleague and they lost control of their feelings.

Compared to other affairs in DC and Hollywood, this one is sort of boring. I guess all you have to do is look at who was involved. If I was a reporter asking questions, the first one I would ask- is what sexual position was used most frequently?? I'm not sure if that question would be politically correct or not. But I'm sure the answer would be plain old missionary.


Rock the vote "08"

Last Brett Favre Post Ever- I promise!!!

Brett, Brett, Brett,--- He's a Jet, Jet, Jet----could care less if he was a Met, Met, Met,
Wish he was all Wet, Wet, Wet----- Because he drowned in the Hudson.

This just in- Brett had fish-n-chips with garlic bread for dinner. He had Iced Tea to drink and a piece of cherry pie with a scoop of Ice Cream for dessert.
Unfortunatly there were no bones in the fish and he did not choke!

In case you have not noticed from my writings. I'm not a huge fan of Favre. I think he is a spoiled brat and I also blame the media for making this guy out to be the greatest thing ever. If Randy Moss, Chad Johnson, or T.O just went through what happened in Green Bay. I'm sure the stories would've been much different.

Tooting my own horn

July 12th, I posted a Fuck Favre blog. I stated that the Big Cheesehead would play in the big apple so that he would be in the spotlight. This morning the Jets signed asshole! I can not wait to hear the reception he gets when his first pass is picked off and returned for a TD!! New York fans can be bigger assholes than Philly fans.

Told ya so, Told ya so, Told ya so. I was right, I was right, I was right. Damn that felt good! Does not happen that often, so I thought I would take advantage of the situation.

I do not know a lot about much, but I know a little about sports and TV shows. That 32 hours a week that I spend watching, has finally paid off.

Love, Peckerhead E.Handcock

Mexicans

For years and years I have heard that Mexicans are lazy. When I was a kid, I remember watching the old Speedy Gonzalez cartoons and all his cousin mice were always fat and liked to nap. They were to lazy to even steal their own cheese. Speedy would steal it for them- he was their hero!

Now for the last several years, the teamsters are always preaching that the Mexicans are taking many American jobs? How could that be? I thought they did not like to work?

I work with a lot of lazy people- No Mexicans though. I wish I did work with some Mexicans, maybe then I would understand things better.

Adios Amigos,

College & Porn of my choice

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Big Bucks -- No Whammys!!!

Going commercial, this site will be operating for a small profit in the near future. I apologize ahead of time for what is coming. I just signed up to have ads displayed on ispotyouspotweall.blogspot.com.
I will get paid pennies for everytime somebody gets on the site. So spread the word- if you like reading some of the sick shit that I write, feel free to pass the site onto somebody. I do not expect to get rich or anything. And If the ads that pop up get on my nerves, I will just try to cancel my account with adsense. I'm sure it was a lot easier signing up than it will be to cancel. I also would like to say that I'm sorry that I will not be displaying anymore porn on this site. I guess I signed some sort of agreement or something?? The site might also be going public- So please- and I'm actually being serious- If you ever comment on any blogs, do not ever share any private or personal info about Eric Handcock.

Enjoy the condom and tampon commercials- I put a request in for them to be the first ads!!!


Hey Kid- Catch -- Now go get me another fucking coke and put some rum in it!! (Mean Joe)1981

Are ya ready for some football???

I reset both the football pool sites and sent out invites. Hell, I even set spreads on the Pickled Pick-Em Picker Pool for week 1. If you did not recieve your invites and are interested in having some fun at a fairly reasonable price for a 17 week span. Just shoot me your Email and some nude photos of some hot women, and you're in!

Beware of 'Poopetrator'

In case anybody did not catch this story in the local paper the other day about the overlook pool in manheim twp. I thought I would copy a few of my favorite parts of the story for everybody. I bet the yuppies that go there were literally having shit fits.

As pool problems go, this one is a real gagger. Overlook pool in Manheim Township is having a problem with a pool pooper. The culprit- pool officials think it's an adult or teen pulling a prank- has defacated in the pool a half dozen times in the past three weeks, leading to temporary pool evacuations.

Lifeguards at the pool are distressed.(I guess so, they have to clean the shit out of the pool!!)
Pool officials are on the prowl for the pooper. (Be alert Andy Adams & Joe Spiese!)
When the announcement is made over the loud speaker to clear the pool. The Lifeguards have trouble controlling the crowd. Everybody is pushing and rushing to clear the water. I can not help but to think that it is just like the movie caddyshack. Right now would be a great time to go visit the overlook pool with your Baby Ruth candy bar!

One pool regular said he is concerned about the effect of feces in the water, noting that is how some diseases are spread. If the person doing it is trying to pull a prank, it's not a successful one. It's pretty obvious people aren't finding it funny.

I could not disagree more with that guy! I think it is pretty funny and probably not the easiest thing to pull off. I have trouble going in public restrooms at times. I could not imagine, heading to the deep end to lay a load. Until you guys get caught- Keep up the good work Joe & Andy.

Have a Shitty Day, Love, E.Handcock

Stupid Joke

Why do Tigers eat raw meat?

Because they do not know how to cook. Plus even if they did- they do not have Stoves, grills, and microwaves in the jungle ya dumbass!!

One Bourbon, one scotch, and one beer.

George Bush Jr., Bill Clinton and Jimmy Carter went out to the bar for a drink
Clinton shouts out to the bartender, "give me a G and T." "What's that?" says the bartender. "A Gin and Tonic" says Bill. Then Jimmy says, "I'll take an R and C." Bartender says, "and what is an R and C?" "Thats a rum and coke", says Jimmy with a big smile. Bush puts his order in, and says, "give me the ole 15" "what the hell is the ole 15?" asks the bartender.
Bush responds, "daahh, thats a seven and seven."

Raindrops keep fallin on my fat head

I never understood why people say that they are saving their money for a rainy day. Why? You got a leaky roof on the house? You need to buy an umbrella? Basement got flooded and you need a wet vac.? You gonna need $5. in quarters at the car wash?

Personally, I love it when it rains. Then I do not feel so guilty for laying around the house and watching TV and doing nothing!

While I'm on the subject of rain. I also do not understand the saying- when it rains it pours. That is not true at all. It seems to drizzle or mist all the time.

Rain for thought, E.H.C

Vacation Update

Just got back from the beach yesterday. Besides the fact that everything is over priced. I burned the bottom of my feet like a dumbass on the 130 degree sand at high noon! My cell phone took a swim with me in the ocean! Gas and Traffic suck! The room that we stayed at was right on the beach, but was still half a dump. I did not do much on my vacation to do list and salt water is not good for a cell phone. I guess I could say that it was an ok trip and that it will make my next vacation to the mountains even more relaxing. Anybody that knows me at all, knows that I prefer the hillbillies over the sandy flatlanders.

My three girls had a blast though. So I took some sand up the butt and made the best of it.
My kids got their hair braided on the boardwalk. My wife has a very white chest and butt now and is very happy with that. I got a new cell phone to play with.

I think the best part of vacation for me is how good it feels to get home. There is nothing like getting into your own bed at night. Comfortably sleep walking to your own toilet at 3 a.m. Sitting on your favorite seat in front of your own TV. I think that whoever came up with that saying "Home Sweet Home". Simply put- I think that they were a fucking genius! Or a weirdo recluse? Whatever.

Peace,

Fuck Favre

I'm so sick and tired of hearing about Brett Favre! I think that he loves being in the spotlight and that he is going to end up playing for the N.Y Jets this year. What better stage than the big apple for the big Cheesehead!! I feel sort of bad for the Packers and A.Rodgers that they have to put up with all his B.S.

I wish he would've retired after he sucked in "There is something about Mary". I still hear the idiot screwing up his one line. "I'm in town to play the Dolphins ya dumbass." He read it so slow right off the cue card.

We keep hearing about what a great year he just had. And all the records that he holds. I have not heard a thing about how he helped the Giants get to the big dance and that he has thrown more picks than any other QB ever!! I also remember that he was hooked on pain pills a few years back. I guess that is one cool thing about him? I was probably just upset that he gets his drugs for free!!! It also bothers me that he had that great game the day after his dad died, and said that his dad would've wanted him to play. Give me a break and take a few days to mourn you asshole!!

39 years ago, I wish his dad would've shot his load into his moms mouth or onto her butt cheek! Then I could turn on ESPN and get my baseball scores without hearing his name 105 times in 1 hour!!

Love E.Handcock

Vacation

I'm getting ready to call in sick & I have 2 weeks of vacation in a row. That means I do not go back to work until July28th! As good of a mood as I'm in right now(for being sick). I will be twice the miserable prick on that last monday of the month. I think that the whole red/gold card B.S is what got me sick. I was going to gut it out and work Friday but talked myself out of it. It was a short talk!

I just hope I have enough time to do everything that I want to do while I'm off. I guess I will have enough time to do it all?

1. Get a Massage
2. Go to Sonic and get burger(never been there before) (get ready for restaurant review)
3. Practice for Horseshoe tournament at York Fairgrounds
4. Make some beef jerky
5. Take nap every day
6. Watch lots of movies and sports
7. Eat Beef Jerky

Love, Clark Grizzwald

Trash Talk

I was just checking the message boards on my five MLB.com fantasy baseball teams. Most all my teams are doing better than ok, not to brag but- the one team came out of the gate real strong and I was feeling real good about Philly cheesesteak no juice. So I got on the league message board about 4 weeks into the season and posted some trash talk. I'm actually better at trash talk than I am at drafting the teams. I wrote that I can not see anybody beating my team and that I'm the only team that is 4-0 and that the one team did not give a shit or did not know shit because Chase Utley was on their bench.

Pretty harmless stuff, or so I thought. Especially since nobody responded to my messages, I figured that nobody wanted to play. Was I ever wrong- Last week the one team responded. It was not even the team that had Chase Utley. The Buffalo Indians title of their post was JERK!!

This guy or gal went on to tell me that I think I'm great and that I'm a playa, but i'm nottin more than a stupid jerk!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I loved it! This guy or gal did not realize how much I like to have fun and get people fired up. How did he know that I was a stupid jerk? Was he talking to my wife??

I let him know in a nice way that I did not mean to offend him or anybody else in that league. I told him that trash talk is just part of fantasy sports and that maybe he should start buying a larger size panty, because I think his are too tight! I also told him that I am going to kick his sensitive ass the week that I play him because I still have the greatest team in the league!!!!

Love, stupid jerk,

July 4th

I love the birthday party for the ole U.S.ofA. This year is extra special because it falls on a Friday. That means we get off of work and get a 3 day weekend. I like the three day weekend more than the smell of gun powder and spare ribs on the grill!

The neighbor got some class B fireworks and I got 5 quarter sticks of dynamite. We got all that stuff for the kids of course. They love watching fireworks, so we figured we would set some off for them. As long as the setter offers do not drink too much beer before dark, it should be a good time.

My wife said that it is cool that I got 5 quarter sticks- that is one for each finger! I told her that her math sucks- I got 10 fingers! Then I told her not to worry, if one goes off it my hand- it will take off my whole arm! She told me that I better drink gatorade and not to throw any in the neighbors fish pond?

What is the number for the manor twp. fire company?


Red, white, and blue- Stars & Stripes- Baseball & Apple Pie- Happy 232!

Oriental Proverb

Yesterday is history- Tomorrow is a mystery- Today is a gift-
That is why it is called the present.

This has the makings of being one of my more sophisticated posts.

Besides, the only other oriental proverb I know is- Me so horny, me love you long time, five dolla, five dolla, me make you holla, me so horny.

So much for the sophisticated post- I guess that was a reach!


Everybody wang chung tonight!

Joke of the day

Why did the golfer need to buy a new club?

He got a hole in one.


Bear with me for posting a squeaky clean joke. I had to do something to offset the google picture that I just put on. I wish I had her for the hooters blog last month. Better late than never. Thats what he said.

I can not believe that this is Blog number 30 for me. It seems like just yesterday I was writing about screwing animals.

Love always,

Kung Fu Panda Review

I went on a date with my 6 year old. Decided to go out and catch a flick. The only thing out right now for a young kid is Kung Fu Panda, so that made our choice pretty clear and simple.

My daughter loved the movie. Although at times I noticed that she was more interested in the snacks that I snuck in from the CVS. We had Milk Duds, Jew Jew Bees, and Whoppers(candy-not BK). I also sprung for a large coke and a large popcorn from the theater snack stand. Seems like a lot of junk, but I skipped lunch and was up for the task of stuffing myself in case I got bored with the flick.

I liked parts of the movie, but a lot of parts of the movie were boring and sucky. I think I was a little bothered that I spent $12.25 for popcorn and a coke! The coke was $5. and the popcorn was $6. I thought the kid behind the counter making $6 bucks an hour was trying to make a $1.25 off of me. Turns out that they charge $1.25 for butter!!! So I told him to pour it on heavy if that is the case.

I guess when you have a cast that includes- Jack Black, Angelina Jolie, Dustin Hoffman, Jackie Chan, Lucy Lui, and James Hong. You need to get some extra cash wherever you can to help pay them for all the hard work they did when they left dreamworks use there voices. I'm sure they love showing up to work in sweats and tee shirts every day. A.Jolie was hot even as a kung fu tiger! She was so hot that at one point I spilled some melted butter on my shorts. At least that is the story that I'm going with.

I will give it **1/2 stars- it was not quite as good as Shrek, but better than Shrek 3.

C ya at the movies- E.P.Wee.H.Cock

The Perfect Storm

It got very dark right after dinner, the smell of a severe thunderstorm covered up the smell of the frozen pizza we just had. From the local news we heard the warning beeps on the TV in the backround as we cleared the paper plates from the table. No sooner did the lights and TV go off as we lost our power and we heard the Hailstones hitting the roof. We watched from the windows as our plastic lawn furniture blew into the field. It looked like that movie with the girl from Kansas? You might even say that our rancher was like the boat in the movie the perfect storm. Either way, it was entertaining enough that we forgot all about not having cable for the moment, as we had a live nature show right outside.

The pieces of hail were getting bigger, but they were still melting very fast as they hit the hot steamy ground. The lightning and thunder was going off every 30 seconds, and also added some excitement as the sky lit up. As the leader of our family, I should've gathered the troops and led them into the basement. But I got caught up in the moment and wanted to get my little girls a piece of hail. It was now falling out of the sky like marbles. With fathers day right around the corner, and me being the cool dad I am. I bravely walk right into the front yard and pick up the two biggest pieces I first saw. As I walked back towards the house with all three of my remaining family members watching as I get pelted with the freezing rain, ( it felt like my brother was shooting me with the daisy BB gun.) That is when it happened, 2-3 feet behind me a shot of lighting came down simultaneously with the loudest thunder I ever heard. I jumped onto the porch and ran for the door. My wife let out a loud scream as she saw the lightning hit the sidewalk, my kids started crying, and it was the closest I came to crapping myself since that first time I discovered Taco Bell!!

I've heard that you have a better chance to get struck by lightning than you have of hitting the lottery. Since I often play and never win, I now believe that statement to be true.
I may not be lucky enough to hit the lottery, but I feel lucky to be writing this story. I joke around all the time and say that I'm like a cat and that I have nine lives. My wife said I better start being more careful because she thinks that I only have 1 left.

Later,

Stinky Tinky

So I just get home from work and I walk past my wife as she's eating lunch. She says, "Oh my, I think I just gagged on my sandwhich, you stink really bad!"

No shit!! I just spent 4 hours working at door 14, another 4 hours picking up trash in the 94 degree heat. On top of that, I had an italian sub at the WaWa. You think I'm gonna smell like a bed of roses? She could of just told me that maybe I should take a shower sooner rather than later because I have a slight odor. That would've been sufficient!

Sweet V just put clean, fresh smelling sheets on our bed. Out of spite, I thought about rolling around on them before I showered and stinking them up real good. As much fun as that would be, I also thought that I might not be rolling around on the bed having fun again anytime soon if I did that. So I chuckled thinking about it and jumped in the shower and took a nice cold one.

Ready for fall,

Whats up doc?

3 rabbits escape from a testing lab & find an entire field full of carrots. They eat themselves into a stupor and sleep through the night. The next morning, they find an entire field full of female rabbits with no males in sight. They screw themselves into a stupor and sleep through the night. The next morning, The rabbits get to talking.

"I am gonna go back to that field of carrots," says one.

"I am gonna go back to the fuck bunny field," says the second.

"I am going back to the lab," says the third. "I am dying for a cigarette!"

Say What?

My mom use to always say, "You think I'm a monkeys uncle?" I would always reply like a smart ass and say, "dont you mean aunt?" Then she would say, "You want me to lick your ass?" I would think to myself how gross that sounded, my mom licking my ass, but I would'nt respond out loud because I knew what she meant. Usually the pain was not worth it just for a good one liner.

Another saying I always liked was- that kid is full of piss & vinegar. I guess that is better than being full of shit.

The only good loser is a loser. And second place is the first loser. They are lines that have a special meaning to me. I am very competitive and hate losing! My six year old beat me at checkers a few months ago. I have not played since. She beat me fair and square. Some parents let their kids win at games. I wish that was the case with me that night she whooped me, but it was'nt! When they do win- it is very special to them.

I have some more sayings that I tweeked a bit.

1. Late bird gets a piece of shit that tastes like worm

2. Earlier my wife was in a bad mood, must be her time of the day

3. I got a lot of work done at the dentist, my teeth hurt so bad that I had to piss.

4. Sticks & Stones- You stupid inconsiderate asshole!!

5. If dog is mans best friend, why does he shit on his front yard right next to the sidewalk?

6. Make love whenever we are at war.

7. I cant believe its not butter- I can! It tastes like melted fucking plastic!!!!

8. You got a friend in Pennsylvania- Fuck PA, I got enough friends!!


If anybody can think of any that I forgot- feel free to post them

Smell Ya Later,

Old Yeller

Here of late, the ole lady does'nt seem to be yelling at me like she has in the past. Being a good boy sure pays off. The kids however, still get the loud rural treatment. I sort of can relate, when you talk to them in a normal voice, they just do not seem to hear you. If you say, "please clean up your mess or I will turn the TV off." Does not work as well as turning the TV off and yelling, "CLEAN UP THAT DAMN MESS RIGHT NOW YOU LITTLE PIP SQUEAKS!!!"

One of my favorite lines of my wifes is- Do not make me angry kids! You would not like me when I get angry! I always ask her, "who do you think you are- the Incredible Hulk?" The vision I always get is her shirt bursting open as she turns green with her hands and arms flung above her head, as she crashes out the back door and runs through the field. That would be cool.
Especially the last part.(they just spread manure.)

So the other night when I was tucking the girls in bed. In the backround we heard, "WHY AM I STEPPING ON TOYS? WHO LEFT A TURD IN THE TOILET? AND WHY IS MY CELL PHONE IN THE SINK?"
As I was trying to get the kids in relax mode, I explained that mommy yells a lot because she loves them. My 6 year old said, "she must really love us a lot."
I replied, "she does, just remember that daddy loves you the most, good night."
I just hope that I was not the one that forgot to flush!

TALK TO YOU ALL LATER- NOW SHUT UP AND GO DO THE DISHES!!!

The original happy meal

I hope that picture is a little more pleasant to you all. I know it makes me hungry for some milk and cookies. Maybe some milk and cake or milk and a candy bar. Maybe just a big bowl of cereal or just a big bowl.

Bathroom Break

Yesterday I witnessed a co-worker punching out at the end of the day and then going to the restroom. I got very upset when I saw that sort of foul behavior! How can you not wait 15 minutes until you get home? I hate using the bathroom at work, and when I do use it, I figure I'm going to be getting paid to give some of the same back to the company that they have been giving me for the last 20 years!

Maybe some peoples bathrooms at home are more dirty than the ones at work. No offense to Curt O. who does a good job cleaning up after a couple hundred hogs each day, but I feel sorry for anybody who enjoys using the work crapper because it is cleaner than their own.

Not to name any names or anything- but we all enjoy a good Joe Spice crap story every now and then. The one about the day he ate one of my wifes bran muffins and almost shit himself running up the steps, had Dr.Pepper coming out of my nose! But even Joe puts toilet paper down on the seat if he has enough time to do so.

I do not really know where I'm going with this shitty blog- I guess what I am trying to say as a teamster is- Punch in and use the work toilet- for some of us, it may be the best production the company gets out of us all day. Punch out and use your crapper at home for goodness sakes!!! And one more thing- Do not shit on the bathroom floor- it is not that funny!!

Lots of smelly love,

Hooters

Hoot er- (noun) a person or animal that hoots, an owl in this sense. Syn.- Boobs, tits, breasts, melons, tomatoes, bazookas, big mamas, feet shade, back breakers, ernie and bert, chest, boobies, silver dollars, A-bombs, b-bombs, c-bombs, d-bombs, 3d-bombs, milkers, headlights, yum-yums, bosoms and bust.

Laura told me that it would be cool to do a blog about hooters every now and then. So there you have it. I did not feel like doing a restaurant review, so I just copied the definition straight from Websters the deluxe second college edition.

For some reason I feel like giving my wife a nice big tight hug right about now. Then she might feel one of my body parts. That body part definition will come another day. Maybe it will not come at all, or maybe it will in 45 seconds.

Love always,

Fast Food/Cheap Bastards

Earlier today we hit the drive thru at the ole BK. That is Burger King to the average Joe. I love the BK bacon double cheeseburger of course. The Fries are not as good as Mickey D's, but they are not bad. Service is better(faster) than that red headed bitches restaurant. The problem I have is that I put an order in for 2 bacon double burgers and two large orders of fries. When I recieved my order I had to put a special request in for ketchup. The retard working at the window gave me one ketchup, and asked if that will be all. I said, "give me 5 more of those bad boys- It will not come out of your paycheck for christs sake!! If the food doesnt kill me, the fact that I get fired up over something as little as getting ripped off in the ketchup department will .

I heard a statistic before that 1 out of every 3 Americans will have worked at a Mcdonalds in their lifetime. Not to say that I know a lot of people. But I took a survey and asked many people if they ever worked for Ronald Mcdonald before. I came up with 3 yes votes and like 60 no votes. That is like 1 out of 20. Maybe I just asked the wrong people??

Gotta run- that BK Burger is kicking in! I feel a super size order coming on. If I had one of those portable computers that you put on your lap, I would probably add to this blog. But I do not, so I will just have to grab a magazine and be happy with that.

Adios Amigos,

Hollywood Henderson quote

All of us older football fans remember when the famous Cowboy asshole Hollywood Henderson said that the Steeler QB was so stupid that he could not spell cat, even if you spotted him the c and the t.
I just caught an espn interview highlight where it looks like he is in some sort of penitentiary, and he says, "I do not do a damn thing all day, and I start right after lunch."
Could not help but to think, good for him! Once an asshole, always an asshole. I hope he doesnt do a damn thing the rest of his life.

Love always,

The $100 Cheesesteak

Bent Creek Country Club serves an exquisite cheesesteak that is like one you have probably never tasted before. It is made with Kobe beef, Maine Lobster tail, imported tallegio cheese and sliced truffles on a Brioche roll. It is called the Bent Franklin and is prepared by Chef Jean Maurice Juge, known to most as JM. You can get this sandwhich if you are a member or you know a member that can get you into the yuppy country club. All for the bargain price of one hundred dollars! It sucks that you have to know a member of the club, that sort of rules out the old dine and dash dinner.

When I read this article in the Sunday News, I could not help but to wonder, who in their right mind would spend $100 bucks for a cheesesteak? You could go to Captain Gus and get 16 cheesesteaks! Or You could get 4 cases of beer and 4 cheesesteaks! Or You could buy 12 boxes of Steak-ums, 1lb. of cheese and 30 good steaks rolls and make 2 1/2 dozen cheesesteaks at home!
Or You could even run down to a Phillies game, get two tix. to the game and buy 2 high priced stadium cheesesteaks!!

Chef JM says that he is not really making any money on the sandwhich. The Kobe beef started out in Japan and went to Australia, the truffles came from under the roots of oak trees in France, the Lobster comes from the sweetest one pound Lobsters that Maine has to offer, and all the imported cheeses from all over the world make this a very low profit menu item. Or so Chef JM says anyway! Give me a break- This clown could be marinating some rump roast that he got down at the weis for $4.99 a pound. The Lobster could come out of a can. He could get the imported cheese 3 aisles over from where he got the can Lobster! As far as the Truffles go- Who the Fuck even knows what a truffle is? I thought it was chocolate. Come to think of it, I do not know what a Brioche roll is either! The whole thing sounds like a Damn Scam!

I guess part of the reason I do not want to believe that it is true, is because I'm sure I will never get to try a $100 cheesesteak. I guess if I live to be 102 years old and the average cheesesteak at that time costs $100. Then I may have one for my last meal. But for now I will have to be happy eating my cheesesteaks at Bars, pizza shops or right out of my own greasy frying pan!!

Pig Out- E.H

fantasy baseball update

So far my #1 pick Ryan Howard is a bust! I think that Ryan Howard from the office could hit better than the Ryan from the phillies!

Out of my 6 teams that I'm running, Poopy Cheaters is doing the best with Peckerhead right behind them.

At the end of the weekend, we will have 25 games down- 137 to go!

Take me out to the ball game, take me out to the crowd, buy meat and penis and crack for jack. I dont care if I ever get back. Because it is root, root, root for the home team. If they dont win its fixed. Because its one, two, three teamster strikes at the ole ball game!

7th inning stretch by E.Handcock

Duck Condoms

Two honeymooning ducks are staying in a hotel, just as they are about to have sex, the male duck says, we do not have any condoms. I'll call room service, so he calls the front desk and asks for condoms. The receptionist says "ok sir, would you like to put them on your bill?"
"HELL NO" he says, "I'll Suffocate!!!"

Smart and Smarter

H.Clinton just busted B.O balls by saying that he thinks he is smarter than a lot of people.

I think that is great! After the last 8 years, I'm very ready for a president that may be smarter than a lot of other people!

Bitching (forgot one)

The classic and never out of fashion- you forgot to put the toilet seat down!!

This one I never get, because I always say- you forgot to put the toilet seat up!

One time I protested the whole thing and I just always left the toilet seat down. That way I never had to worry about forgetting to put the seat back down. The problem with this protest is that after a few cold ones my aim is not always the best. When I'm feeling really good, I like to close my eyes when draining the old caterpillar. I MEAN COBRA! Eyes closed and the rocking back and forth motion is not always the best thing for the aim of the piss. I must admitt that I got yelled at a few times for peeing on the seat.

I figure that the best thing to do is just pee like a girl. Sometimes after a long day, it is nice to sit down and take a leak. Who knows- If you are lucky maybe a #2 will come along for a visit!
Just so my kids do not catch me peeing like a girl. If they do, they will report me to mommy and then I will get bitched at more than if I just forgot to put the seat back down! Maybe the easiest thing to do is just stop pissing in the crapper all together and go out back to the corn field!!

U.P.S update

The part-time sup. in the primary is a real bitch- I'm sorry to report that in the last 3 weeks she has warned me that she is going to take away Ipods, bathroom breaks, snack machine breaks, and that the sort better get cleaned up or else!! She seems to think that the sorters are sabatoging the system out of spite. She even went as far as to tell our boss, one day last week, that I was responsible for all the packages being sent to the brown belt with no labels. Now this is very serious- first off, she was wrong. I did not sabatoge the system that day and if you get caught doing such a thing you can be discharged on the spot. I have 3 girls at home to provide for and would not jeopardize my job in such a foolish way!! Second off- I do not even own a fucking Ipod! 3rd off- You do not tell a teamster that they can not take a break- Shit, smoke, piss or food break, that is why we pay union dues!! To be entitled to take a break!!

Earlier today at work, once again I was informed that our bathroom breaks were going to be taken away. I did not react very professional with my response. Anybody that did not already hear about the whole ordeal. Let me just say that it was not pretty! It did not get any prettier when we sat down in the office to work on our relationship. Shane, Kathy, and myself had a good ole time in the preload office behind closed doors. I feel bad for not feeling bad when Kathy walked out in the middle of being told what a piece of shit she is and how she gets in the way all day long. It is not good to keep your feelings bottled up inside of you- so I let them all out. It felt pretty good! There is a small part of me the feels bad though- When her eyes got that watered down look right before she departed our meeting, it did make me a little sad. Maybe I was just upset because I still had a few more jabs to take. All I know is that I try to do a good job for the preload, I also know that I can work and get along with almost everybody. I get a paycheck- so I do not expect a pat on the back, but just do not try to stab me in the back!! It could get ugly!!

Love almost always,

Bitching

National pastime= Baseball= 5 fantasy teams on MLB.com/ beat the streak contest/ beat the Home Run streak/ CBS fantasy league with buddies= lots of time spent on the computer studying and making moves. And that equals lots of time spent by my wife bitching at me for being on the computer all the time. Luckily for me, it does not really bother me when she bitches at me for being on the computer. I think that after nine years of being happily married. I've been bitched at for smoking, drinking, gambling, swearing, being lazy, not always being politically correct, watching sports, drinking, hating cats, spending money like I own an oil field, drinking, having sex with myself, farting/stinking in general, speeding, ugly toenails, trying to finish having sex before the commercial break is over, putting salt on pizza, skid marks in the underwear, and of course- DRINKING!

So I think that I've become immuned to all of the bitching. Luckily my self-esteem is very high and I love my wife till death parts us, or she gets sick of me and leaves me.

New UPS slogan

Because of the rising cost of fuel. United Parcel Service just came up with a new slogan for its customers-

WE JUST UPED OUR RATES SO UP YOURS!!

Barnyard babes ll poll

We have 2 votes for horse- Laura and Deb(hence hung like a horse)
We have 2 votes for cat- Mike and Tony(hence, love that pussy)
We have 3 votes for sheep- Me and 2 other sickos!

I promise that I will not post a barnyard babes lll. It was a very sick subject and I apologize for anything that I wrote that made you throw up in your mouth.

The farmers in our country work very hard at their trade. If every now and then they want to bang the livestock, we should cut them some slack! Do not be so judgemental! Next time you open a can of cream of chicken, just smile and leave it at that.

Adios Amigos, E.H

Barnyard Babes part II

I had my fantasy baseball draft yesterday and I think I drank a beer for each one of the players that I drafted. We have 28 players on our roster! Luckily it was just Miller Lite, so I feel energetic enough to follow up on one of my blogs that got mixed reviews.

Last week a buddy gave me a call to tell me about this guy that got caught having sexual relations with some pigs. Turns out to be just as funny as it is gross. I just do not understand what is wrong with people? I mean I love bacon and ham as much as the next guy, or so I thought.

It was time to feed the pigs, so the farmers wife and daughter went down to the barn. As they got to the door they noticed a pile of clothing laying there on the ground. When they went inside they discovered a guy that lives up the road, buck naked trying to poke the pork! He was shocked when the lady said excuse me, what are you doing? He dove into the pigs crap and mud and started rolling around. He says "looks like you caught me, this mud is really good for the skin." Bad enough this sick dumbass got caught trying to "F" the pigs, now he is rolling around in their shit! It really made me wonder- Why??? Why???

Does'nt anybody in this town raise sheep?
Why do you have to take all your clothing off? Do the animals really need foreplay?
Could'nt you just pull your zipper down? Then if you got caught- you could just say that you were pissing on the animals. That is still bad, but not as bad as cumming on them.
If a human could get a cow or pig pregnant, would the offspring resemble Strode?

I'm going to post a poll- please be honest when answering.
One of your choices will not be none of the above.
Pretend like you have to choose one- somebody is offering you a million bucks or it is life or death, or just ignore the poll and be a jerk!!

Hee Haw, E.H

Sweet Dreams

I just read that scientists say the higher your I.Q., the more you dream. That makes perfect sense to me. I had about 378 dreams last night. They also figured that the average dream is 2 to 3 seconds long.(they must be the wet dreams).

If you dream that you shit yourself when the clock struck 2 am. And you wake up 3 hours later and find one little turd in your boxers. And there is nobody else around to smell it. Is it still just a dream??

Who sang dream weaver?? What is a dream weaver??

Later, E.H

Happy Holidays

Happy Belated St.Patricks Day! I hope everybody had a few green beers and got into a fight in honor of the Drunken Irish. I actually drank a few old Lancaster Winter Brews and then I took a green shit.(I really need to start flushing without sneaking a peak!). Then my wife yelled at me for leaving a green skid mark on the toilet bowl. So I guess that would count as a memorable holiday for me.

Tommorrow is the first day of spring. So what! All winter has been sort of spring like. I guess we've finally almost killed the ozonosphere. Maybe my grandchildren can finish the job.

Good Fuckin Friday is two days away. I think every Friday is good! This Friday would even be better if I had off work. Oh well, at least we have off on Sunday. That is a pretty big holiday. I know it is a big deal because I'm going to church with my family. I think it has something to do with Jesus and when he was born again or something. My wife wants me to be born again. I'm not really interested at this time. It is not fair for her to always be putting me up against Jesus! He always seems to be a better person than me, dont matter how hard I try!! Luckily for me, she likes to watch the lifetime for women movies and there is always some deadbeat dad on there beating or cheating on his wife(sometimes with a guy), molesting kids, doing hard drugs, or drinking and gambling her families fortune away. I guess you could say I'm somewhere between the lifetime dad and Jesus. So with that in mind, U all have a Happy Easter and if you get a chance pray for me and Peace on Earth!

Love, E.H

Palm Sunday

Bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch, bitch and bitch. Why does'nt everybody just shut up and find a remedy or go manipulate their genitals.


Love Always, E.H

Barnyard Babes

The other day when I told my wife the joke about the farmer having sex with the cow, she informed me that years ago, a hired hand was caught by her 8 year old cousin doing a cow on her uncles farm. I was flabbergasted and intrigued by her story. How could anybody be that horny to have sex with an animal? How old was he? Was he mentally challenged? Did he have a wife? Was he a good worker? What did Bradley say to his mom and dad about what he saw? These were a few of the questions I asked Venda. Her question to me was- Did'nt I already tell you this story? No way, I'm pretty sure I would've remembered it!

Turns out the hired hand must have been a good worker, because he kept his job. One would think that having sexual relations with the livestock would be grounds for immediate termination. The farmers around here are very forgiving, Christian like people. It is unfortunate, because a few months later the same guy was caught having oral sex with a cow. The thought of that really blew me away! Would'nt you be afraid of the cow biting your dick off? How would you explain that one to your doctor? At this point of the story, my mind started working overtime. Oral, Anul, or good old fashion barnyard sex all sounds very sick and disturbing. At the same time I could'nt help but to wonder if it is really that bad. It is not like it is the crime of the century.

I guess if you are married and your spouse were to catch you butt slammin Betsy the best milker, then you could be in big trouble. You might say that she is partially to blame. If she were to give you a second chance, she might want to step up her game a bit in the bedroom. I'm thinking she may not even tell anybody about it because of it being a little embarrassing. If you're single however- is it really that big of a deal? I tried to think of who would be getting hurt. Surely it does not bother the cow. All the cow does is Sleep, eat, crap, and get milked 2-3 times a day. After having sex with a steer, the cow probably does'nt even feel anything. As long as the other cows do not make fun of you, it is probably pretty amusing to her. Weighing 500 pounds, if the cow did not like it, she would just have to take a few steps away from the guy. It is not like he would be strong enough to pull her back into him so that he can blow his load onto that beautiful tail. Now that I'm thinking about how the cow feels about being romanced, it does not sound that bad. I still do not understand how animal sex could get anybody excited? But there are a lot of things I do not understand.

I was quickly flipping through the bible, trying to find a section on beastiality. Of course I could not find anything. I'm thinking that God does not condone having sex with animals. Then again I'm not sure? When Jesus went to talk to Noah about building the arc, I'm sure if Noah was butt slammin a goat, our bible history would be different. Maybe I'm putting way to much thought into this topic. I'm just very interested in the subject, if I ever would try to write a book. I think that I would enjoy writing about barnyard sex. As sick as it might sound, it would be a good read that would be fun to research.

I would like to finish by apologizing to the chickens, sheep, pigs, and horses. I'm sure they all have nice asses and pussies too. It is just that I have the cow story in my head, so that is why the cow got most of the attention in this blog. No hard feelings!!

Almost forgot- When cousin Bradley went to his mom and dad to inform them of what he saw. He told them that somebody might want to re-train George on how to milk the cows. He is doing it all wrong. (True Story)

Love, Eric

Joke of the day

Sorry if I already told you this one or if you read it in the Feb. issue of the Max for Men mag. that I love as much as this joke. Just a warning- this joke will lead to blog #5- which will probably be my most tastless and offensive blog that I shall ever post.


A farmer got arrested for having sex with one of his cows. When he had his day in court, the judge was disgusted with his actions and asked him "son, just what the heck were you thinkin?"
The farmer shrugged his shoulders and replied, "well sir, I guess I was just thinkin of a younger, hotter cow."


....to be continued.........

Idiot Misinformer

Just found out that Mangolds tax service misinformed me about the tax rebate that we will be getting. Turns out that it is still up in the air on how it is going to be handled. I wish I knew that before I wrote my letter to the editor!!

They ripped me a new asshole on the New Era web page where you can comment on different editorials. One guy said that you should not voice your opinion until you are fully aware of the facts. Another one said that I'm an idiot and should invest in a CD with my $1,800.

Always pessimistic, I still think that we're going to get screwed! I think that the guy who said I should invest my $1,800 in a CD is the real idiot!! With that kind of money I could get 100 CDs and 100 DVDs.

Either way- I still hate Bush! The man not the body part. There is a t-shirt that I'm getting ready to order that says "Dont Mess With Texas" that slogan sits on top of the big outlined state. And at the bottom, it says "it is not nice to make fun of retards". Sold!! send me a black one and a white one. Since Venda will not let me get the Obama- Half Honkey-All Donkey shirt.

Love, Eric

Letter to Editor

Local Taxpayer to IRS: Thanks for nothing


When the IRS sends out the letter to the taxpayers explaining how the tax rebate works. I hope they remember to tell us that it is actually just an advance to next year's income tax return. Next year, when we have a new commander in chief, my return will be $1,800 less than this year's check.
Instead of getting that new Harley, I will have to settle for a used one or a foreign bike! After almost eight years of trying to deceive people, we should not expect anything less from this regime in its final days.
I thought that I was getting a nice bonus from Bush. Instead, it looks like I will just be getting a Yamaha next summer!
It's probably a good thing. That is all I will be able to afford fuel for!! Thanks for nothing!!!

My first blog

I'm actually having fun setting up my blog page. I hope that anybody that is on here is enjoying the crap that I put on it. I was inspired to do a blog by a co-worker that was always complimenting the junk that I wrote on the football pool sites. She must be as screwed up in the head as I am?? I may also have been inspired by my letter to the editor that got put in print this week in the Lancaster New Era. Shocked the hell out of me that the Right Wingers would print anything that my Liberal butt would write! I guess I will finish this blog by posting my letter for anybody who does not read the commentary page in the Monday evening paper. You know what- I'm a rookie to all this blog shit and I'm not sure how many words go on one blog, so when this one is finished, I will make blog #2 my letter to the editor. How bout that- 2 blogs in one day for the price of one.

I can not promise any of my groupies that I will have new material on this page at all times. Especially when the phillies season starts. It takes a lot out of me watching them day in and day out. Drinking, swearing, throwing stuff, screaming, and being a pissed off jerk is rather exhausting. Who knows though? If there is any subject that comes up in the near future- Family, Sports, politics, or work(UPS) stories that are funny - I may have to comment on them!!!

Last thing I would like to add- If anything that I ever write offends anybody, I would like to apologize ahead of time. I'm not good at saying sorry, so this is it. Here we go- I will say it one time and one time only.
So So Sorry that you are such a sensitive pussy!!! Stay off this blog- U - make me sick!!!!

Love, Eric Handcock