Funny X-Mas Movie Quote

"You don't know when to quit, do ya 'Griswold? .... Here's an idea: Why don't you give me half the money you were going to bet, then we'll go out back, I'll kick you in the nuts, and we'll call it a day!"

New You Tube X-Rated Dildo Song.

I kept the title the same- Christmas Present idea for the old lady. But I just downloaded the Dildo Song for those of you who have not had it forwarded to your email by me or Andy.

Make sure the kids are out of the room as it is somewhat x-rated!!

The Video is between the nice rack picture and Tigers X-mas Card. Sometimes other You Tube video crap pops up? I do not know why this happens? I just get off the site and back on and then the one I downloaded is there. Hope everybody has a chance to see it, especially all my Women fans as it is sort of a Homo or Chick video!!

Pretty funny stuff. The top square is the full length video in black and white, the next one down is in color with some bloopers. The bottom one is just the words. Feel free to check them out and try not to be to embarrassed or offended by any of them. It is just a joke and should not be taken to seriously. I figure anybody that is still getting on this comfortably dumb and then some blog, is not to easily offended.

You know what I always say to anybody that is. Oh well, F-U lighten up pussy and do not take life so seriously!

Merry Christmas to everybody and enjoy Jack off Frost nipping at your genitals!!!!

Love, E.

I love Jesus

I would love to take Jesus out for a nice fancy dinner sometime with me and the old lady. Today at church I heard that he can turn water into wine! Talk about a neat trick. I always figure that 40% of our bill is from drinks. Jesus would be better than having a coupon! He might steal some of my wifes attention from me, but that is a chance that I would take.

Love thy neighbor!

Spank what?

I already told this story to about 100 people, but I will put it in writing anyway because every time I think about it I sort of chuckle to myself. Sometimes there will be somebody close by me as I chuckle and they just look at me like I am a little nutty. I guess it is better to look like a happy goofball than a pissed off prick?..... So back to the story-

Last week my kids were sitting at my bar in my basement with me. They were having some Hawaiian punch cocktails as I was having my adult beverage. My Hawaiian punch cocktail is nothing more than fruit juicy red punch and 7up on the rocks. The old ladies COCKtail gets 3 shots of cheap vodka thrown in it! She is always so nice to me after she has two or three of them. However, she was upstairs while I was downstairs with my girls who are usually little angels. After a few of my special kids drinks though they turned into little indians! My six year old was throwing stuffed animals and blocks around as I warned her to stop and get out of my line of sight of the football game that I was watching!!!

Not even 2 minutes after being warned, a block was flung up into the air and hit one of my fancy bar lantern lights that I spent two hours stapling to the ceiling. Even though it was not harmed, I flipped out and told her that she was going to get her ass whooped! My seven year old came to her rescue and said, "aahhh, you said a bad word and I am telling mommy." I said, "ass is not a bad word- look it up in the dictionary, it means donkey." So then she innocently replies, "you're gonna spank her donkey?" I laughed and told her to just go tell on me. Kids really do say the funniest shit.

Love E.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Funny News

I just read that a hole was found in a wall at this Nudist Camp over in Europe. The Police are looking into it.

Happy fucking turkey day!

My family celebrated thanksgiving up in the mountains. My brother cooked the bird on a charcoal grill. It was fucking awesome!! I was very fucking thankful for such a feast. We enjoyed the holiday in the Mountains. And the whole fucking family had a great time as we pigged out and relaxed out in the boonies!!

Hey Christmas- fuck you- here we come!!

Love, e.handcock

Burn baby Burn

Somehow me and the mrs. got on the topic of sharks and whales. I told her that I did not think that to many sharks would eat their victims that they would just attack them and bite them.

I also said that even though a whale is the largest mammal I am sure that they would not eat a human being because their throats are not big enough.

The old lady did not believe this and her reasoning was that Jonah had got eatin by a whale. I do not even know who that is, but figured that it was somebody from the bible. Did not feel like fighting about it so I just said, "whatever, I just know that a whale can not eat a person." The wife says, " I will ask Jonah when I get to heaven." Feeling frisky, I say, "oh yeah, what if Jonah went to Hell?" I think she set me up, because without hesitating she says, "then you ask her!!"

Ouch, burned again

What Happened to Christmas?

I really enjoy the small church that my wife drags me to about every other Sunday. One Sunday a month I have a union meeting and one Sunday a month I just am not functionable enough to leave the house on Sunday morning. So hence, the every other Sunday church routine.

I use to hate when the worship center would preach that they need $170,000 to meet their budget for the year. And that was in October! I was always like, what the hell? I do not think our $20. a week is going to help out that much. And my wife would say- oh, I give $50. sometimes. And I would be like- really? When did you get a fucking job?

But that was here nor there- I think even though we switched over to this smaller church right down the road, the worship center still had enough in their account to buy the 18 acre farm lot out back and build their expansion. Can I get a praise the lord from the congregation? Praise the lord!

Our small church never preaches about how much money they need. It really is almost like they do not give a shit? Today we got a pamphlet that was all about giving at Christmas. It went something like this-

Stressmas- Impersonalmas, Checklistmas, Consumermas, Trafficjammas, Gotta-buy-everyone-a-damn-gift-even-if-they-hate-it-mas.

We want to celebrate Christmas the way it was intended: with Jesus. For Jesus.

Worship Fully, Spend Less, Give More, Love All. Are you ready to enter the story?

This Christmas we are inviting you to take the one-less-gift Advent Conspiracy challenge as we as a church take a stand together and show the world that Christ is here. Still loving, still caring for those in need. It is what one less gift can do. Less spending. More relational giving. More resources to help those who need it most.

So here's our Advent Conspiracy plan:

Fuck the wife or girlfriend: between birthdays and Valentines day, the bitch has gotten enough expensive shit through the year! send a contribution to some third world family that does not have clean drinking water or shirts to wear!

Fuck the spoiled rotten kids! Those little shits eat and drink 10 times a day when some kid in Africa is happy to get some generic oatmeal every other day!!!

And last but not least- Fuck you- drink cheaper beer- do not go out as much and just maybe spend some money at the grocery store and not the fast food drive-thru!! Send donations to people that are much worse off than we are!

Learn more at www.millersvillebic.org

Our Local Community also needs you!!!!!

Yankee doodle dandy

How long does it take A-Rods mom to take a shit?

9 months!!!

double cheeseburger?

As I was watching football today, I seen that goddamn Burger King commercial about 200 times. They compare their double cheeseburger to Mickey D's. I think that as soon as I get bored on my little 2 week vacation. I am going to do a taste test for lunch and go through each drive thru and get about a half dozen of each.

I will bring them home and wash them down with a few pabst blue ribbons and we will see who gets the blue ribbon! I'm thinking that the toilet will end up getting the blunt of the contest!

Either way, for $.99 a piece- what the hell. Between the beer and burgers I will still spend less than $15. and feed the whole family! Of course I will have to throw in some potato chips and carrot sticks. I always like dinner to support our 4 basic food groups.

Later,

The Birds and the Bees

A dad asks his 9 year old son if he heard about the birds and the bees yet? The kid responds, "No, and I do not want to hear about them!" Why not? says the dad. The boy says, "At 6 years old I found out there was not an easter bunny! At 7 years old I got the no such thing as Santa speech, and when I was 8 you told me there was no tooth fairy!!! If you even tell me that grown ups do not Fuck...... I will have nothing to live for!"

I need help!

I do not know whether to call A.A or G.A. If there is even such a thing as gamblers anonymous?

I think that if I could just beat the drinking one(A.A)- then I probably would not bet as much as I do. I really get a buzz from betting a game and then watching it as I drink like a fresh water fish!

I only think that I have a problem when I lose or when I am out of Rum! What should I do? Please help me solve this problem and let me know if I should call somebody for help. I am very confused right now as I do not know whether to drink some Captain or bet on the Cowboys +3 on Sunday night?

Thanks, P.Head

Joke Time- It's a scary one.

A professor at the University of Kentucky was giving a lecture to this large class about the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he started out by asking if anybody has ever seen a ghost? 90 kids raised their hands. Then he asked, out of all of you that seen a ghost have any of you talked to them. Half of them responded yes. Did any of you touch them? was his next question. 3 kids apparently had touched the ghosts.

He said he was going to go one step further and wanted to know if any of them tried to make love to the ghosts? Way in the back, Bubba nodded with a big grin on his face. The teacher took his glasses off and said that in all his years nobody ever admitted to having sex with the ghosts. He asked Bubba to come up to the podium and share his experience with the whole class. So Bubba made his way up front and got on stage. The professor says, please share your experience of having sex with ghosts, Bubba. Shiiit!, says Bubba- from way in the back, I thoughts you was sayin goats!!!

R.I.P- do not cry over spilled beer.

Laura Hess is the reason why I write stupid shit on this blog every now and then. I always knew that if none of my other asshole friends or coworkers were reading it, that at least she was! I was very upset the other night when I got the phone call about her passing away. I was so shook up that I spilled my beer and had a few tears come as I hung up the phone. My daughter Sophia(6 years old) said, " do not cry daddy, we still love you even though you spilled your beer." I asked her if she loved me enough to get me another one? Both kids raced to get me another cold one, and in memory of Laura- I just drank both of them to make both kids happy and try to make myself not think about the whole thing. It did not work as I could not stop thinking about her and will probably keep thinking about her for a while. She was a good co-worker and friend! She hooked me up with firewood, she always was a good listener whenever you had anything to share, she was very informative about our solar system and all that green jazz! Bottom line is that she was a good person! She will be missed, and I hope that wherever she is that she is still reading my bullshit that I write! Especially since she is the reason that I am writing it!!! Miss You L.H. Love Eric

Damn right I am good in bed!!!!

I can sleep for days!!

Mans best friend?

Put your wife and the dog in your cars trunk for an hour.

Then open the trunk- who is happy to see you????

Womans/Mans Poem

A Womans Poem-

-Before I lay me down to sleep

I pray for a man who's not a creep

One who's handsome, smart, & strong

One who loves to listen long

One who thinks before he speaks

One who'll call, not wait for weeks

I Pray he's rich and self-employed

And when I spend, wont be annoyed

Pull out my chair and hold my hand

Massage my feet and help me stand

Oh send a king to make me queen

A man who loves to cook and clean

I pray this man will love no other

And relish visits with my mother.

A Mans Poem-

-I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with big tits who owns a sports bar

on a golf course.

And loves to send me fishing & drinking

This doesn't rhyme & I don't give a shit!!

Did you know that President Obama signed his stimulus package at the same desk that President Clinton got his package stimulated.

Drunk Thoughts

A penny for your thoughts- $5. if you think about giving me a blow job!

Still dumb after all these years

Whatever happened to that show "Two guys a girl and a pizza shop"?

I never see the reruns played anywhere. I would think that TV Land might play it or even real late on some crappy network. I really liked that girl that was on there. I also really like pizza a lot. It would've been a very tough call if I ever had to choose between the two of them!!!!

Deep Thoughts,

E.H

Pre season Monday night football

Brett Favre and the Vikes are taking on Houston tonight on M.N.F.

Fuck him- I am going to watch the Yankees and the O's and just pray for the worse for him and his family. Made me so sick at his press conference when he said that his daughter told him that she just wanted him to win the superbowl! That was such and sweet and cute thing to say. All my kids ever say to me is- Can we change the channel? Can you get us a snack and juice? Can I have some money? Why do you stink so bad? Are you pregnant? We want ice cream!!!! Were you rolling around in the dogs poop?

Kids say the darnest things! But I still love them! Especially when I tuck them in at night and they say their prayers. I bet Favre does not tuck his daughter in to often because he is just so damn busy always coming out of retirement!!!

Love, Daddy Handcock

Another Joke

A husband and wife were watching a television show on psychology. The man turned to his wife and said, "Bet you can not tell me something that will make me happy and sad at the same time."

Without a pause, the wife says, "you have a bigger dick than all your friends."

Movie Trivia/Joke

I just heard a joke that was from a movie that is about 20 years old.

I guy is going down on his girlfriend and he asks, "why is your pussy so big?" "why is your pussy so big?"

she says- "why did you ask me that twice?"

he says- "I did'nt."

Late Show with Conan

Do not get to watch that much of the late show with Conan because of stupid work hours! But last night I battled to stay awake after the Phils game and was rather pleased with the comedy duet of Conan and Andy. Those two are so much funnier than Jay and the black guy from the band! Johnny of course will always be king, but even his drunk sidekick was not really that funny.

Last night Conan nailed a joke about a Denver company that came up with a beef jerky that has caffeine in it. They call it perky jerky. That is not the original name they came up with though. At first they called it the morning beef stick. But they decided that perky jerky would be more appropriate.

Now the joke was funny. What was even funnier was the facial expressions of Andy Richter as the punchline was delivered. Then the camrea flashed back to Conan and he made a goofy gay face and then back to Andy who was making his own goofy gay face. The host would go on to beat a dead horse and say morning beef stick several times as they would not comment but just make funny faces as the original jerky title was announced! It was very funny and I hope that others enjoyed it as much as I did.

When I told my wife about this little bit. She says, "you know what, I could go for some of your jerky." Unfortunatly she meant real beef jerky that I make in the smoker. Not my morning beef stick!! Damn it! guess I better go check the cupboards and see if I have any soy sauce and liquid dry smoke.

Later,

Look its a plane or is it a bird?

Everytime a baseball player gets a big hit or scores a meaningful run they kiss their index finger and middle finger and point up into the sky. When a Football players throws a touchdown or runs one into the end zone or even gets a sack on the QB, they do the same thing. I think that it is great that they are showing thanks and are aware that there is a higher being that gave them lots of natural talent to make lots of money! Maybe some of them just do it though because they see everybody else doing it? Some of the athletes, as gifted as they are, aint always the smartest people in the stadium or ballpark.

I guess I am just wondering, as I often do. That when football players throw an interception or fumble the ball or even get a stupid penality called on them. And baseball players strike out or hit into a double play or make an error in the field. Why dont they kiss the same two fingers and point towards the ground? If you are going to acknowledge the man up above, why not give satan some credit as well?

????????

Fantasy Mania

It is that time of the year that all of us fantasy sports geeks just love. It is the end of baseball season and the beginning of football. If you are lucky, you are getting one or some of your baseball teams ready for the playoffs as you prepare for your pigskin drafts. I am the sole owner of 4 baseball teams and help a friend run another team that should win his championship no problem. I love half of my teams- the other half I hate. You can figure out which ones are going to the playoffs and which one is not!

I will prob. get involved with the same amount of football teams as I did baseball. Football is a little easier as you have all week to get ready for Sunday and Monday night. September can be a little crazy as you keep track of both sports, but it is a freaking blast!

Some interesting/funny league/team names that I have noticed in different leagues throughout our nation on espn & CBS.

- Who let the Vicks out-

- prom night dumpster babies-

-12 angry drunk men-

-2 minute drill- (with your mom)- (one of my favorites!)

-punt me, kick me, love me-

-catfish hunters- (?????)

We still hold the record for the longest title for our knock out pool- "Hey Joe, where you goin with that gun in your hand? Gone to shoot my old lady, heard she was messin around and took Detroit over Pittsburgh in the suicide pool!"

Go Peckerheads and A-hole Erics and Fat, Drunk, and Stupid! May you all have enough luck to bring home the trophy!!

King Fantasy Geek,

Busy as a beaver!

People are always saying how busy they are. I'm always wondering if they are bragging or complaining? I know that I am usually not very busy. Unless my wife tells me otherwise, I would just as soon sit around in the A.C and watch baseball or a movie or even the Wheel of Fortune rather than actually doing something! Sometimes I multi task and play Uno or go fish with the kids while watching the idiot box. The Old Lady tries to limit the kids to an hour or two of TV a day. They are starting to ask why daddy can watch it for 8 hours? I told them that I only watch 5 hours of TV and that the other 3 hours are spent on the computer! Sometimes when I am on the computer I go to facebook to spend time with my 89 friends. I do not even know who some of my friends on facebook are? But when I get invited to be friends with them- I do not want to be rude, so I just accept and move on like I know them.

Sometimes people will post that they are eating a turkey sandwhich for lunch, or that they are getting ready to leave for work. They might let you know that they just got a diamond piece of jewlery or a big screen tv. My friends really enjoy telling people when they have a day off work or when they are going on a vacation. I do not understand why people write such personal stuff on there? First off, I usually do not care what they are having for lunch and I do not think it is a good idea to tell everybody when you will be away on vacation for a week. Thats like saying

"come and steal my big screen tv and my wifes jewlery box, we will be leaving early Saturday morning and will be gone all week."

Gotta go pour a glass of wine and read the paper as my wife makes us an italian dinner. My parents have the kids at dutch wonderland and they prob. wont be home until 7pm. Maybe I can get lucky as the noodles boil, if I do not spend too much time on the computer. Sounds like a plan!

Peace,

Are you ready for some football?

I just set up the pick em pool and the survivor pool. If you did not get an invite for the "Goofy Goober Sunday pick em pool" or the "Hey Joe where you going with that gun in your hand, I'm going to shoot my old lady heard she's been messin around and picked Detroit over Pittsburgh in the suicide pool!" (longest football pool name ever!) Just get me your email address and let me know and I will get my lazy ass on the computer and send you an invite. Like an Orgy- the more the merrier! Or so I heard? Tommy and Andy Usually tell the truth.

Washington Boro Tomato Festival

Tonight is the big night down in Washington Boro when they have their annual tomato festival. I may go down and check out some of the nice tomatoes that the farm girls will be displaying. Last year this one pregnant girl had some real nice juicy looking tomatoes! And then it rained and some of the tomatoes looked really yummy after they were all wet! This is the best time of the year for the tomato as the weather heats up. You can find tomatoes everywhere, but there is nothing like the ones down by the river. Sometimes I like to take two tomatoes, a little mayo, slide a weiner in between them and just enjoy. You do not even need a hot dog roll. (You pervert! what were you thinking?)!!!

They say some people say tomato and some say tamato. Even though I have never heard anybody say tamato except for when they quote that stupid ass saying!!! One thing is for sure, All this tomato talk is making me hungry for some of my wifes famous B.L.T and cheese sandwhiches. I think she has some nice tomatoes- so I will have to go check em out! Maybe she can hook me up.

Weird as ever, E.H

King of Pop

It was very sad that the day after Micheal Jackson died I got a text message from a buddy @8am that said they had done an autopsy on him and discovered that he had died from food poisoning. Turns out he ate some 9 year old nuts!

Mcdonalds also came out with a McJackson sandwhich- 50 year old meat between two 12 year old buns.

I guess I can handle the Jackson jokes as long as that there Charlies Angel does not get mixed up in any of them!!

Top Secret funny story

I'm am not sure who all still reads all these b.s posts that I write. So with that said, I should probably not even be writing this one. I just can not resist to sort of brag about what a lazy piece of shit husband I am. I did not say that I was not clever as well, but still lazy for sure. I would just appreciate it if this story does not get back to my better half. It may not be quite as funny to her as it is to the party that is reading this!

I hope that my lead paragraph does not hype this up to be bigger than it is- but if it does, oh well- TOUGH SHIT!!!! Like I said, I am proud of my clever lazy ways and that is all that matters.

The wife has been bugging me to change the oil in the John Deere riding mower since it is coming up on one year since it has been changed. I told her that it probably did not have enough hours on it to merit an oil change, she told me that it had plenty of hours on it and that it has to be changed once a year. Instead of fighting a battle that I knew I would not win, I comforted her by telling her that I have two filters left and that I would change it on Friday. I knew that she had plans Friday afternoon with the kids and that would give me the quiet and space that my not very mechanical ass would need to get the job done.

Friday rolls around and her and the kids take off for the day. I fire the mower up- check the oil, looks good- I put a splash of new oil in it, and run it up on the blocks- clean all the grass off the bottom of the deck around the blades. Then I run it outside and hose it down- clean off all the grass and dust and make it look brand new again. 20 minutes! Job Done! well not quite- I got some chain saw oil out and dumped it on the shop floor to make a nice little oil spot. The wife knows that I always make a mess with whatever I do- no matter how small the task!!! Now the job was complete!!

Wife gets home and sees the mower sitting there looking brand new, oil change and all!!! shes happy- I'm happy- sounds like a happy ending for me!!!!!!

The End

New You Tube Videos already

I just put a bud light porn magazine commercial from You Tube on the site. It is the top 2 commercials out of the strip of 4. Make sure you check it out as soon as you have an extra 2.2 minutes! I was going to post it on facebook and make my wife happy, but they would not take it because it was over 2 minutes long! I thank Mike Hoffer for sending it to me right away and thinking of me when the guy in the back of the line said, "when I'm done with one of those mags it looks like it has gone through a paper shredder!!"

I hated to take down great moments in presidental history because they are just so damn funny! But this commercial is pretty damn good! I also like when the husband that is sweeping says, "check under the counter, thats where we keep all the really sick shit."

Bad news bears

I just watched the Turner Classic- Bad news bears with my 6 year old daughter! It was a flick that I loved when I was a kid. I guess that in 1976 it was ok for the little kids to say stuff like- "we already have 2 spics, a niger, and a booger picking spaz on the team! Now a girl!!! ( I am glad that the wife did not walk in during that scene or we would not have watched the whole movie!).

Walter Matheauw played a great manager though. I could really relate to his role since I am coaching t-ball this year. I just do not walk around practice with a half a can of beer and a splash of whiskey.

4 star classic- Bad News Bears

Its a small small world

When we were at Animal Kingdom in Disney World.  I thought it was neat that the park was divided into continents.  When we were in Asia it was so ironic that we rode the water rapid ride with an oriental family.

My favorite part of Magic Kingdom was when my kids got their picture taken with the little mermaid.  She wore a bikini top and there was nothing little about Aerial!!

Epcot- Fish n Chips and bass ale was the best

MGM studios-  ???  kind of sucked because we got caught in a hurricane down pour!  I guess i liked the rain gear.

Downtown Disney-  thats an easy one- the Sosa Cigar Bar!!!  My wife looked so hot token on a cigar!

Good to be home,   E.H

Joe Spice Jokes

Little boy drew a penis on the chalkboard one day.  The teacher erased it right away.  The next day the teacher came into class and saw even a bigger penis drawn on the board, and underneath it, it said the more you rub it the bigger it gets!

How do you know if a Korean Kid breaks into your house?

Your Cat is missing and your kids math homework is finished.

What do a pizza delivery guy and a gynecologist have in common?

They get close enough that it smells great- but if they eat it they will get fired!!!!!

They are so stupid they are funny!!   Sort of like Joe Spiese!!!!!!

Baseball Update

Manny Rameriz just got a 50 game suspension for taking paternal steroid pills.  I heard that he was munching on fig newtons right before the press conference.  I guess that means if he has a baby girl with A-Rod.  They could name her-  Juice Newton!!!!!!!!!!

The more beer I drink- the funnier that gets!   I just made it up- so it might just be tickling my funny bone which is not real hard to do after 10 mooseheads!!!!!

E.H.C

Football Update

Brett might be back for one more year!   He is starting to make Sugar Ray Leonard look boring!  This guy is really getting on my nerves!   I wish Jack Tatum would come out of retirement and take care of FARVE one last time!!

Happy Mothers Day

If you are reading this that means that you have probably got a Mother.  I am very lucky to have a great one.  Some say that she is like a saint!  Maybe because she had to put up with me and my brother for all those years when we were growing up being little dickheads!  Spray painting the dogs tail black,  flooding the upstairs bathroom so that it rained in the living room, running the VW down the driveway and smashing it up real good,  or my brother climbing a tree and peeing on the dumb neighbor kids head.(boy did he ever get a good beating for that one!!!)

Maybe she is great because after we eat like pigs at her house, she then sends the leftovers home with us.  If we ever need any cash or financial help- there she is like a parental stimulus plan!  She might have taken the trophy for mom of the century as she has offered to take the whole family down to disney world in a few weeks, compliments of her retirement bonus!  So whether your mom is like Mother Teresa, Mother Mary or just a Mother Fucker.  It is the time of the season to show your appreciation towards her whether you get her flowers, candy, lunch or dinner, a simple card, or maybe just give her a buzz and thank her for getting loaded that one night and not letting the best of you drip down her leg?  It is the thought that counts.

I guess what I am trying to say is that I love you Mom!!   And I feel awful for being such a jerk all of those years growing up!  All those times I said that it was not me, it must of been Dad or Craig.  I was probably lying through my shit yellow teeth!!  I was the one that made doing laundry hell!  I was the one that woke you up at 3 am and told you that we had a real busy night at the restaurant and I was doing dishes. (big lie, I was drinking and trying to do some girl!)

I was the one that skipped school, drank, smoked, chewed, had pre-marital sex(do not worry, I was not real good at it!)  So sorry for all the lies~!   Love you!

P.S- please nobody forward this to my mommy!  The card that I did give her does not have all of this in it word for word!

Eric Mommy Boy Handcock

Just checking in

To anybody who looks forward to reading my zany, crazy, bullshit posts.  I am sorry that I have been so busy lately.  I am the owner/manager of 5 fantasy baseball teams.  One of them- the Peckerheads are reigning champions of the fantasy basement bums league and are looking as though they could repeat this year!  I take my fantasy baseball very serious and am very excited for every Phillies game as I got Chase Utley as a first round pick for the Peckerheads!!   I've always liked Utley and when he gave his short and sweet speech at the World Series celebration in Philly,  I fell even deeper in love with him!  Sucks that my kids were watching as he yelled out,  "WORLD FUCKING CHAMPS!!!!

I have also been coaching my daughters t-ball team and have been busy trying to figure out how to get the 5-7 year olds motivated every Saturday morning as I am usually half hung over!  The first practice I told the little snots that if they do not show me 100% effort on every play that they will not get any fucking snack after practice!   I'm just waiting to make an example out of the first one that steps out of line.  I was thinking that when pitching to them, I will go high and tight to the first one that steps out of line!!!

I have also been trying to keep up on American Idol-  I really seem to enjoy watching that gay guy Adam sing.  He is so different than all the other contestants and always wears such a lovely shade of eye shadow!  He will probably win this year no problem.  The last time I said that was when Daultry was knocked off.

I've also been busy watch those Phillies play their normal sucky ball in April!!  I do not even get to upset anymore as it is early and they usually play their best as the weather heats up.

Later,  Peckerhead

Just in case you got bad eye sight

Calvin opens the door and yells from outside-  Hey Mom, MOM!!    And mom says, "Calvin, quit yelling from across the house and get in here and talk to me!"

So he wonders inside to the next room where she is and says, " I stepped in dog shit.  Where is the hose?"

Borats new flick

Many people hated Sacha Baron Cohen in his movie "Borat".   They said it was stupid, weird, and immature.   Guess what-  surprise, surprise- I loved it and laughed my ass off!  

So I must admitt that I'm a little anxious about his new movie that he is in the process of making.  I've heard a little bit about it and it sounds like it may be a real blockbuster!  He is playing a gay Austrian fashion writer,  and rumor has it that the title of the flick is going to be-  "Bruno: Delicious Journeys Through America For the Purpose of Making Heterosexual Males Visibly Uncomfortable in the Presence of a Gay Foreigner in a Mesh T-Shirt."

Like I said-  BLOCKBUSTER -  sounds like 4 stars to me.

Siskel and Handcock

Damn it!! I just keep forgetting!

I think that I am slowly going seanile, or is it spelled senile?  I can not remember?

I can remember important stuff like who won the last 5 superbowls and world series.  But I will forget the dumbest shit.  Sometimes when I'm taking a shower,  I drift off into thought and forget if I washed my hair or not.  Luckily I do not use much shampoo and it does not take long to wash, since I am a little thin on top now days.  So I just wash it again to play it safe.

Then I will be daydreaming at work and I try to remember what we had for dinner the night before- and for the life of me, it will not come to me.  Luckily my memory sometimes will be jogged by a fart.  Especially if I had beans, sauerkraut, or a cheese dish the night before!

At times, I will sometimes forget when my last sexual encounter was.  That really sucks when that happens!  Luckily I usually always have a bottle of Vodka, or Captain, and I can whip up a drink or two for wifey and then try to jog her memory!!

I guess my favorite memory loss is when I take 2 weeks of vacation in a row and I will forget what day of the week it is.  I wish I could forget what day it is all the time.  Then it would be like every day is a Saturday!!  Sad part about that is- when I get to that part of my life(retirement),  I will probably also forget when I last used the bathroom!  I can only pray that I remembered to put on the adult diaper!!   Dare to dream- then every room can be your bathroom!!!!

Love,   what the hell is my pen name again???

More/different video clips (Bush Bloopers)

I will put the Jerry Springer midget fight back on sometime in the future for anybody who missed it.   I just could not resist putting the Bush Bloopers on as soon as I found them.  They were always some of my favorite Letterman clips.  Hope you all enjoy them as much as I do!   I just love some of the physical comedy as much as the stupid comments.  When he winks, laughs(snickers), or spits, it just cracks me up.   I am still amazed that we voted him in for a second term.  Oh well- it just made for twice as much material to make fun of him with.

Later,

Jerry Jerry Jerry Jerry

I finally put some video footage on the site.  I ran across the midget fight and figured out how to upload it.  I figured that since Jerry Springer is so classy,  I would put some of his stuff on to be the first video clips viewed.  

I love midget fighting and figured who does'nt?

The KKK Dad clip is a little long- but also entertaining.

Later

Winter Blues

When I carried some firewood into the house earlier today.  I had to walk through a snow drift that was up to my balls!   I am ready for Spring!  Think Spring!

Last night my 1st grade daughter told me that if school was not cancelled that they would still probably get at least a delay.  I told her not to get her hopes up, because you know how the weathermen are.  And she said-  "yeah they suck!"   All I can say is that she heard that one from her mom!  Being the good dad that I am-  I agreed with her though and said-  "yeah they are all a bunch of peckerheads!!"

Warm dreams,  E.C

Its dumb joke time

How do you make a tissue dance?

Put a little boogie in it!

Handcock say what-say what?

The other day my mom told me that she read something very interesting.  She read that the control center for life starts with your attitude.

I told her not to believe everything that you read, because that sounded like a crock of shit to me!

With lots of love,   E.C

Just Wondering

Will 3 fasnacht's at 3:30pm ruin my dinner?

Fat Tuesday kicks ass!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Love Fat Handcock

I aint no Ward Cleaver

The other night I told my girls that we should not put Cool Whip on our deserts because it will make you sick.

My 5 year old says, "Liar, Liar, Liar, your pants are on fire!!"

I responded by looking at my trousers and I says, "No way, they are not on fire! So who's the damn liar now!!"

My wife casually responded from the other room,  "please knock it off!  None of yous are funny!"

Golly Gee Beav- your just a dumb kid.

As corny as they get

Sometimes the Axe will not remember. But the tree will never forget.

What do you call a gorilla who's sister has a kid.-----   A monkey's uncle

Always take time to smell the flowers......  Just pray that a bee does not sting you in the nose!

Sometimes life will deal you a bad hand.  Thats when you flip off the dealer and go to the horse races!

P.S-  I made those last two up myself.  I'm so proud of me.

Later,

Multi-Tasking

The other day my wife informed me that while I was at work goofing off,  she was at home doing 2 loads of wash, cleaning the family room, and baking cupcakes all at once.  I had to tip my phillies cap to her.  I told her that she might want to skip the cupcakes and scrub the tub instead.  Because the only thing that I think I can do at the same time is shampoo and pee.  If I'm lucky I might be able to fart and drink a sip of beer at the same time.  I do not think that is a very big deal though,  it is just a guy thing.  

Gotta run,  I put some steaks on the grill about an hour ago, got on the computer and forgot about them.  Now they will taste like leather!!  I knew I should've just called for takeout!!!

Happy V-Day to all and may you love somebody half as much as they love you!

E.Handcock

Swimming Lessons

My wife has been trying to figure out where to take our kids for swimming lessons.  Maybe all they need are a few bong hits and they will be fine!

I remember seeing M.Phelps on 60 minutes talking about a normal day of training and what all is involved in his daily routine.  Before spending 8 hours in the pool, he would have pancakes, sausage, 8 eggs, bacon, oatmeal, 4 bowls of cereal, OJ, and some blueberry muffins for breakfast.  I thought to myself that you must need lots of energy to swim all day.  Now I think that maybe he just did the old wake and bake every morning!!

Go for the gold!!

Diarrhea

Diarrhea- excessive frequency and looseness of bowel movements.

With flu season amongst us,  I need to use both hands to count the number of times that somebody has told me they have a bad case of diarrhea.  I just do not understand why this is necessary.  They could just tell me that they have an upset stomach and a bad case of the flu.  And I could just wonder for myself if there is an excessive amount of runny shit involved.  I have had my grandmother, co-worker, neighbor, and even a turkey hill clerk brag about having the Hershey squirts in the last several weeks.  Whether they got this from the flu, something they ate, or even one to many adult beverages from the night before.  I honestly do not care to hear about it.  It is actually kind of funny, unless you are getting ready to sit down and chow down on some grub and you can not get the mental image of the fat store clerk splattering the toilet bowl + seat with his liquid shit!!

Always talkin shit,   E.Handcock

I saw mommy doing daddy under the X-mas tree

A little boy catches his mom riding his dad, and the mom tells him that she is just trying to flatten daddies big belly.  The little boy responds,  "it does not matter, mommy.  Because the babysitter gets on her knees and blows it back up."

Man caught with pigeons in his pants

An Austrailian traveler was caught with two live pigeons stuffed in his pants following a trip to the Middle East.  The 23-year-old man was searched after authorities discovered two eggs in a vitamin container in his luggage.  They found the pigeons wrapped in padded envelopes and held to each leg with a pair of tights.  The alleged bird smuggler is looking at 10 years in prison and $70,000 in fines.

The birds were not rare and they could not figure out why he tried to sneak the birds through the airport.

I rather enjoyed reading about this guy and got a kick out of thinking about him in jail telling his cell-mates why he was there.  I'm sure that some of them really will take a liking to him.  I also thought that the title of the article should've been....... Man has three birds in his pants or......  Are you happy to see me or is that just some pigeons in your pants?

Chuck E. Cheese Royal Rumble

The food is overpriced!  The place is always crowded and loud!  The pizza/food sucks!  Sick kids running around spredding germs everywhere!  And now there are fist fights with parents beating the snot out of each other!   Last month the Chuck E. Cheese in Harrisburg had a big fight and yesterday Lancaster had one.  I just do not understand?  What sort of example are we setting for the kids and what could be the reason for the fights?  

I think the next time I have to plan a birthday party for one of my kids.  I will just book the Villiage Night Club and get that there ACDC cover band to play.  I am sure it will be a lot less violent and I will not leave with a headache or bloody nose like I might at Chuck E. Cheese!

What the hell does the E. stand for?        Enrage?

Happy Marty L. King day

I do not know if this was done intentionally or not.  But TV Land is playing The Jeffersons, Good Times, and Sanford and Son from 9am-6pm on January 19th.  I guess they did not want to upset the Honkeys too much, so they will be airing the Andy Griffith Show from 6pm-1am.

I am pretty bored right now- so I guess I will go watch some of George, JJ, and Fred.  

Old men jokes are funny

Three old guys are out for a walk and the 1st guys says "damn it is windy!"  The second one replies, "It is Thursday dumbass!"  The third one chimes in and says, "me too, lets go for a beer."

B.F.F

I just heard a statistic on sanity.  One out of every four people suffer from some sort of mental illness.  So think of your best three friends, and I guess if they are all ok-  Then you are fucked!

Friendship is like pissing in your pants.....  Everyone can see it, but only you can feel its true warmth!

Think Spring!!  I'm freezing my little nuts off,  E.coldhandcock

Yucky photo

I really do need to get on my lazy ass one of these days and replace the photo of the tanned girl with the piece of poop floating in the toilet!  Tony Schuck said that the caption for that one should be-  Say cheese, and then flush you fucking stinky hog!!

saying of the day

You know you're going to regret it if you do it.

You know you will regret it if you do not do it.

So you might as well just fucking do it!!!!

The Lottery powerball goes off at 146 million tonight.

The Steelers are only giving the Ravens 3 points.

I wonder if I should listen to the saying of the day and gamble a little bit?

E.Betyour.Handcock

#2 (shit)

Tommy said that he likes talking shit too.  He says that you can actually come up with a sentence using just the word shit.  It would go something like this-   Shithead shitted shitty shit.   Now thats what I would call  Noun-Verb-Adjective-Noun!  Sounds like a complete sentence to me.  No more shit talk for a while-  I promise!!!!

P.U Tinky Handcock

First shitty post of the New Year!

Crazy Nan Handcock called on January 1st and wished everybody a happy birthday!

I hope everybody had a happy birthday as well and ate their pork & sauerkraut for good luck.

My buddy said that he does not like sauerkraut and that it tastes like shit.  My response was, "yuk, how do you know?"  He said, "because I tried it!"  So of course I got him right where I want him as my next question is, "what does shit taste like?"

Took him a while to understand my dry sense of humor as he has shit for brains.  But it got me thinkin about a lot of different shit.  You also hear people say that so and so does not think that their shit stinks.  We all know that is not true because there is no such thing as odorless shit.

As far as something tasting like shit- who knows- maybe shit does not taste that bad?(I guess a lot depends on what you had to eat the day before or even earlier that day???)   I have heard the expression, EAT SHIT, but never actually witnessed a person doing it.  I did see a dog eat his own shit before.  And they are suppossed to be very smart.  I got my doubts about that after seeing Makita wolf down a pile of his poop!

The word shit can also be very confusing to the english language at times.  I guess that is why it is called a slang word.  Or a dirty word. (ha-ha-ha-ha-ha, get it?)

I have heard a stoner buddy say that he got a bag of killer shit.  Then another time I heard him refer to his stuff as shit.  So by throwing that word killer in front of it- you have a totally different meaning.  I find that shit fascinating!!!

Til my next shitty post,

Love,  Shithead Handcock